Tuesday night Jim and I began a six-week Life Planning Project course offered locally by Home of Guiding Hands. Designed to get us on the same page proactively envisioning Reid's future as we age (ahem) and eventually exit planet earth.
Going around the table, each parent complied with the direction to give a trait they're most proud of and a personal motto as way of introduction. After we'd all taken turns the facilitator, herself a parent of a 19 year old on the spectrum, observed that we could spend the remainder of the evening debating the age old chicken and egg question. Did we develop those traits because of our child with special needs or were they given because we'd surely need them for the assignment?
I wrote "resourceful" on my sticky note but another mom shared "empathy" as hers. That uncanny ability to know what someone is thinking without them expressing it comes in handy when your kids are non-verbal! Jim commented when we first did our Strengthsfinder inventory, how perfectly that served me in Reid's younger days.
Whether God gave it for the job or I learned it from Reid, this verse hit me between the eyes this morning:
Before they call I will answer; while they are yet speaking I will hear. Isaiah 65:24
The Lord God's empathy far surpasses mine or hers. His ability to do all things is the source of our ability to do anything. He is the author of empathy and every other positive character trait anyone could cite. Anything I can do He can do better. And...because he is so empathetic, he knows what I need before I even figure out how to ask for it. I just have to get out of His holy way. So I am stepping aside to let the Master have his way.
In the mood for a cheesy visual from the musical archives? Click here. They got their pronouns reversed in these lyrics from Annie Get your Gun. Reverse the pronouns and let it rattle around in your head today as a prayer to the Father, "Anything I can do YOU have done better..." make a sunset.... create a brain... design a salvation plan.... payback a double portion... color fruit... love your neighbor... pair up twins... allow that trial....
This clever video from Raising Small Souls is telling as it uses the animal kingdom to craft an analogy of different strengths and learning styles in the natural world. Which would be you? The duck, the eagle, or the squirrel? In our competitive, standardized world, it is a needful reminder to prize our individuality. Teach to the strength; remediate the weakness. But whatever you do: don't forfeit the uniqueness.
Doesn't it blow your mind anew to see how many different species God created with each of their own adaptations to environment. Their incredible "accomplishments" come instinctively when they're allowed to be who He made them to be.
A doggeared book my kids still love offers a related metaphor. In The Treasure Tree, John Trent and Gary Smalley use personification to teach kids the four basic personality types. The lion, otter, beaver and retriever learn to work together employing each other's strengths to overcome challenges and find life's treasure. Amazingly, even as 5 year olds, both my kids immediately and accurately identified their role in the family. And pegged each of us, "Dad, you're Lance the lion!"
He watches over His nest like an eagle and hovers over His young; He spreads His wings, catches him, and lifts him up on His pinions. Deuteronomy 32:10-12
The doorkeeper opens it for him, and the sheep hear his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. John 10:2-4
Even a sparrow finds a home, and a swallow, a nest for herself where she places her young— near Your altars, LORD of Hosts, my King and my God. How happy are those who reside in Your house, who praise You continually. Psalm 84:3-4
Do you share my age-old dilemma of how to motivate fill-in-child's-name-here? What do I need to do to get him to do what I want done? What reinforcer will be motivating this week? What behavior of mine do I have to change to impact his? Should I do what the experts suggest, what the specialists promote, what I'm good at, or what works? And what does work? In the end it seems, all of us resort to some sort of chart. Can I tell you something? I have grown to hate them.
Reidy has an Achiever strength by all measures. Still I wonder, at what point will he--will he ever--be intrinsically motivated to do his personal best? Will he always need the proverbial carrot?
We had a private teacher at home for awhile with Reid. At the time, she split her time between two boys on the spectrum who could not be more different, despite carrying the same label. Becky had to dramatically alter her incentive and motivation plan from one house to the next. This made me feel better about my homeschooling tenure. If it wasn't obvious to her, then I hadn't been so stupid to have missed it all those years before. For one of her students, the ultimate fire under his tail was her simple statement, "alright, if you're not going to do your work, then I will have to call your mother." I was amazed to hear that was the extent of her strategy (and concerned that she might not have enough tools in her kit to handle what Reid was dishing out at the time). What a stark contrast to the hoops we'd jump through to get my son to simply come to the table, let alone put his name in the right hand corner!
Completely different personalities, same diagnosis (didn't I just write about this?). One boy is a rule follower; mine is not. Mine is a boundary crossing, envelope pushing, rule breaker. Draw him a line, he jumps across it. Give him a threat, and in the immortalized words of Clint Eastwood, he'll make your day!
So, my darling boy is no longer homeschooled, nor does he attend the touchy-feely, "work with me, not on me" holistic school of my original preference. In order to make some quantifiable progress, he now attends a highly-structured, scientifically-based, "behavior mod is our specialty" school. Not a pretty picture always. Let me tell you what I see there: a lot of charts!!
My sadness is not that I can't help in the touchy-feely school's library (although I miss that). My greater concern is actually a fear that we are, in fact, solving a short term problem at the expense of his long term potential. Evidence like Alfie Kohn's books, Punished by Rewards, Unconditional Parenting and many others, hook me in and haunt me. I am perpetually having to discern whether they resonate with me because of my own school experience or fit Reid's. I often feel trapped by his behaviors, with no choice but to use what is "proven" which is precisely what Kohn lambasts. Is there room for his alternatives in the autism realm?
Remember Summer in the movie, School of Rock? She is the over achiever, class do-gooder who needs to be in charge. She does not have autism, but she sure does like sticker charts, gold stars, and rewards. After the shake up of Jack Black's arrival as a long-term substitute teacher, she begins to loosen up and find different reasons to achieve. As he implements his highly unorthodox brainstorm to turn the class into a rock band, he assigns roles to each student. Since Summer is not particularly musical, Black makes her a groupie which will never do.
Parenthetically, I made a similar mistake recently. Attempting to rally support and organize our posse of moms at one of the Kingsmen performances, I said, "we'll be groupies." Well, the aghast look on one of the moms faces made me quickly realize, that is not what I meant! "I mean roadies!" who carry all the stuff and get them to the venue on time. I was using the terms synonymously, which they are not. What do I know about the music biz? Apparently zilch.
After hearing Summer's appeal, Jack Black concedes to naming her the road manager. This scene marks the transition for her between performing for the extrinsic reward and internalizing a motivation to simply do her best. I love it and wish it for Reid.
I was a bit like Summer. With my maiden name of Andrea Anderson, I grew accustomed to always being first in the alphabetical roll call and taking my assigned seat in the front row. I achieved my assumed aspiration of straight A's after my name. I learned by rote and met the teacher's expectations. You might say I learned "to the test," but sadly, I don't think I ever really worked to my full potential. There is a limitation placed by limitations. Maybe that's obvious. We think limitations in school settings are there to promote effective learning but in reality, they can lower the ceiling on what is accomplished. Whether or not behavior is not an issue, why can't the sky be the limit?
I suppose I longed for a teacher like Jack Black who, although unqualified by the world's standards and on paper, breaks free from the establishment. With raw conviction, charisma, and creativity he woos students into self-discovery and accomplishment. I find it refreshing that he doesn't care about appearances one iota. He has a good heart even if all the wrong words. What could he do with a Special Day Class or a fully included student? I'd like to see a sequel, School of Rock II: SDC.
Now it may seem sacrilege to compare Jack Black to Jesus but I am seeing a parallel. (Remember all analogies are flawed.) Jesus came and did not look or act like the kind of king the Jews wanted or expected. He was scruffy, undistinguished, and from Nazareth, of all places. Yet, He changed their lives from the inside out. He changed the old law and told them He was the Way. No longer did they need to keep all their laws to the letter. Now, simple faith in Him would cut the mustard. Following Him with genuine heart and soul and mind was a radically new expectation. They were used to ticking off their checklists of complex food rules, doing a sort of negative token economy of sacrificing animals to restore favor, and charting offenses of themselves and each other. Jesus told them to throw all that out; it doesn't matter. I want your hearts not your perfect, little, pressured habits and sticker charts!
I can't quite fathom how, but I believe one day in heaven an Almighty God will demonstrate the perfect balance between unconditional love, motivational strategy and reward structure. In His Word, He does mention jewels in our crown. Certainly, eternal salvation is the ultimate payoff for accepting Him on faith. I have always wanted the Bible to make a clear case for either behavior mod or unconditional parenting, but it doesn't. It gives examples of both. Maybe, God wants us to walk with Him in prayer and devotion so He can personally advise us on the particulars for any one child at any given chapter of life. So, ultimately He is our reward; when we realize that His unconditional love and presence lead us through any fog.
However, as it is written: "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him" 1 Corinthians 2:8-10
Who has understood the mind of the LORD, or instructed him as his counselor? Isaiah 40:12-14
But now, by dying to what once bound us, we have been released from the law so that we serve in the new way of the Spirit, and not in the old way of the written code. Romans 7:5-7
you, O Lord, are loving. Surely you will reward each person according to what he has done. Psalm 62:11-12
Love... keeps no record of wrongs. 1 Corinthians 13:4-6
Dads are noticeably absent from many parent support groups as well as PTA meetings and carpool. Usually, this is for good reason; they are working! My husband pointed this out while I was whining once about his lack of presence at my daughter's daytime school socials. At the time, she went to a private school in an over-the-top, affluent, community neighboring ours. There, many dads were visible and apparently self-employed or independently wealthy. In autism circles there is another, sadder reason for the female-dominated landscape. It is estimated that roughly 50% of fathers with children diagnosed with ASD, leave their families, unable to handle the emotional strain.
Just yesterday at a birthday party, we watched a single mom run the events alone enlisting other dads to string up and repair the pinata. I don't know the particulars of her divorce, but can easily project the familiar scenario. It saddens me because I grew up without a dad (for different reasons). It smacks close to home to see the dynamic perpetuated. Without question, having a child with autism adds stress to a household and a marriage. From the early days of diagnosis and intervention, to the financial burden of therapies and advocates, to the emotional waves of acceptance and recurrent loss, to the onslaught of puberty and unanswerable questions about the future, it is just plain harder than anyone expects.
Mired with unprocessed loss, I think spouses can sub-consciously blame and punish each other for the predicament. Rather than get angry at the child or the disability or at God, they bicker with each other. If I am honest, there have been many stressful moments, explosive bickering, even years of distance between Jim and I. At the same time, I praise God for the rich rewards of riding the storm and choosing to weather it together. What seals our vows, cements our bond and validates our marriage are the trials we've overcome. To have thrown in the towel would have robbed us of the sense of accomplishment we now feel as well as the sense of wonder at how God sustains those who seek after Him.
Jim and I arrived at a benefit fundraiser years ago. Along the manicured pathways of the hotel property, were posted the most dire statistics one could find, about marriage and prognoses regarding autism. (It was not Autism Speaks.) I can't say we donated much money that night. Who wants to support (what was portrayed as) a sinking ship ? And who wants to pay the ticket price the following year to be depressed by statistics? The hopeless portrayal may have pulled at the heartstrings of those not directly familiar with autism. But for me, it served to alienate and anger me. "It's not that bad!" I wanted to scream from the podium, "I need to hear hope in order to survive!" We did secretly gloat a bit that we were "not a number." The night was salvaged with a game of ping pong when we spotted the husband-wife team who were our educational consultant and advocate at the time. Serendipity, for when else would we have planned a social event with such real life heroes? Through tremendous trials of their own, they have forged an incredibly productive partnership. That's how it happens: the hero's pattern of hardship and recovery, hardship and recovery.
Back to my original point: this Chicago dad, James Harlan, is doing something about to bolster dads in the trenches. His wife, Debra Vines, started The Answer Inc. to serve the Chicago area autism community. Noticing how few men attended, he started "Just for Men" a support group specifically for dads. Contrast the character of Mr. Harlan with our neighbor who once offered this unsolicited commentary on us to his wife, "If I were Jim, I'd leave her." Unconscionable, that he would feel justification for that, let alone express the thought out loud. (And why his wife shared it with me, I'll never know either.) I can only be glad Reid didn't end up in his home, but rather with a dad like my husband.
Another voice in the darkness is Erik Weber. I wrote of him earlier as he mastered college life. Now a college grad, he has written a book, Autism for Dads: The Importance of a Father's Love, which is being sold by the Autism Tree Project Foundation. Erik's dad died suddenly in 1997, leaving Erik to grieve the "loss of the perfect dad" in ironic counterpoint to what he says ails the majority of autism dads: the "loss of the perfect child." In contrast to the statistical evidence, Erik's father left a legacy of love and faith that remain a "beacon of light to illuminate God's path for him." He attributes his faith in God and his dad's example to empowering him to defy odds and exceed anyone's prognosis for him.
Jim has a tongue-in-cheek expression to sum up his legacy to Reid. "Must be all that ball throwing," he says, at once self-congratulatory and self-deprecating. Of course, Jim did teach Reid years ago to play catch with a ball and mitt. There was a time they would do ten obligatory throws before dinner. It was tedious, as all new skills are for Reid to learn. At the time, I was homeschooling and ostensibly doing more with Reid, like covering the 3 R's.
I guess that's what makes it funny. We know it's not really the ball throwing. In fact, the synergy of other efforts--the osteopath, the neurological exercises, the mega-vitamins, the OT, the PT, the speech, the therapy--are all making the ball throwing possible. Nonetheless, that is the one quantifiable skill for which Jim takes credit. He likes to imagine the ball throwing was the floodgate for every other positive outcome.
The phrase is employed still whenever Reid reaches some belated milestone, say riding his two-wheeler bike or setting the table independently. Jim sounds off, "Must be all that ball throwing!" He's even used it in an IEP meeting. When something positive was reported, he caught my eye and mouthed the words, "all the ball throwing." It has, thankfully, become his most macho way of patting his male ego on the back for being an engaged father.
Rather than baseball, it is care giving that physiologically energizes women. In the early years, I now see how I gave and gave and gave to Reid without really wearying much. It actually filled me up with purpose and envigorated me. (This is not how-to advice for your marriage.) In contrast, fathering is less about nurture and more about preparation. As Reid has reached adolescence, many of the emotions I had at diagnosis have reared their ugly heads again, but this time from Jim's perspective. It is recurrent loss mixed with fear of the future which is staring us in the face. All of a sudden the future is now. (Couple that with the fact that Jim is a Futurist on his Strengthsfinder inventory so, he lives there anyway.) It's all good. God made us male and female, male and female He created us.
So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. Genesis 1:26-28
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:32-33
So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth.Malachi 2:14-16 If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!"Luke 11:12-14
I like the thoughtfulness of this article by a teacher noticing her own lifelong penchant for the underdog. I often wonder (and usually inquire) what draws people to the field of special education. Although it is my passion now, I never would have predicted it would become so central in our lives before learning that it affected us personally. One of the first questions I have always asked professionals who work with Reid is, "what led you to this kind of work?" Partly, I am vetting their motives. Their response also reveals to me how they perceive their work. Is it education or mere respite care? What expectations do they have of themselves and of Reid to progress? Also, I am just curious what makes them tick.
Often, our very favorite professionals have had a sibling with special needs or some personal relationship that motivated them to enter the field. Their desire, skill, training, competence and compassion were born out of inclusion and a personal connection.
Hiring (and keeping) tutors can be difficult. Reid has always been a "challenging case" with his potent combination of smarts and behavior. He tests everyone who has ever tried to play or work with him. This served to increase the turn over rate at our place during the home program heyday. He still has a way of demanding the best of everyone around him as well as revealing their weaknesses. For the willing, he provided a rigorous continuing ed course. He could dish out every avoidance tactic, maladaptive behavior, and sensory issue in the book in one quick 50 minute clinical hour. I am grateful to be looking back on those days.
I would lay awake at night wondering, "What makes some people better at this than others?" (And how will I find more of them?) We had an eclectic program wanting to incorporate ample amounts of Floortime with the obligatory ABA. Following a prescribed teacher/student script of discrete trial drills can be taught relatively easily to anyone. Engaging in child-centered play as Dr. Stanley Greenspan advocated was another matter. It had to be caught. I struggled with Serena Weider coaching me to undo much of what my parenting model had been. My husband, who is far less inhibited and more playful to begin with, was more natural at it.
Three standouts in our own personal autism intervention history were Danielle, Carla, and Michelle. (I hate leaving out Ben and Angela and Becky but, they came along later.) So, can you tell already that I liked people who were willing to become family and blur the boundaries of professionalism in our best interest?!@# I refer to 'the good old days" of early intervention when our team included that triad who met weekly in my living room until Jim rolled home for dinner. I never felt alone. We had each other and plenty of ideas to put into motion. They had energy and we had money! Clearly, people motivated by challenge were ideal. Reid was not a sit-in-the-chair and parrot back trials kinda kid. As one educational therapist said of him, "He is a mover and a shaker who needs someone who can move through life with him." I liked her.
Carla came into our lives through the dreaded school district. Despite that entree, she and I connected immediately with a sister-like chemistry. I will never forget her first session with Reid. It was basically love at first sight for him as a preschooler to have this young, fun bubbly woman woo him into turn-taking, playing "guys" and singing songs together. Since we both have curly hair, I used to joke that maybe it was the curly hair gene that was the magic touch we sought when interviewing tutors. Could it be the years of managing unruly curls that pre-qualified us for excellence in autism intervention? (I obviously think highly of my own contribution to the team, don't I?) Being curly girls made us flexible, open to the idiosyncratic, able to appreciate the beauty of going around and around in circles in Floortime play therapy. We found the beauty in it, not the frustration. I loved to hear Carla tell my son, "I love the way your mind works." But alas, there is more too it than the dominant curly gene. After all, Danielle had straight hair and she was a (little-s) savior to us. Now with the benefit of Strengthsfinder, I see that I was probably seeking out others with the Achiever theme that Jim and I share and brought to parenting. Carla's Communicator and Activator themes were well suited too. Did you know Woo is actually a Strengthsfinder theme? Of course, she has that one too. Whew who!! Empathy is another theme to seek out when hiring especially for non-verbal kiddos. Imagine how helpful it is to spend time with someone who knows how you feel before you do and can prompt you with a handy English phrase?
In addition to Reid's maneuvering, our attrition was due to the eligibility of the crew. In short order, they all seemed to run off to pursue doctorates, marriage, or babies. Such is life...it gave Reid invaluable practice in the less popular social greeting: goodbye.
Reid's current case manager, the nicest guy you could imagine from the midwest, had just finished the military when his wife asked him, "If you could do anything in the world what would it be?" He replied, "teach." Good for him. Good for us. I have less time with him as they are outside my house now, so I continue to ponder what seeds were planted in his life that grew into the tireless, hopeful, consistent teacher Reid enjoys this year.
Here is one more article about a teacher who switched from regular ed to special ed based on her attachment and "falling in love" with one student. It happens all the time, see Kiara Brinkman the teacher who wrote Up High In the Trees and You're Gonna Love this Kid by Paula Kluth. Maybe the common denominator in extraordinary teachers is their genuine appreciation of each unique soul God has created as individual and different from the next as each seashell, each star, and each snowflake.
"He determines the number of the stars and calls them each by name." Psalm 147:3-5
"And in the church God has appointed...teachers, then workers of miracles, also those having gifts of healing, those able to help others..." 1 Corinthians 12:27-29
Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?" And I said, "Here am I. Send me!" Isaiah 6:7-9 photo credit:www.movieweb.com
"Mom, just get me to the stage!" Reid implored as we anxiously unloaded the van for one of his first gigs a couple years ago. There was a volume of between-the-lines information conveyed in that one little sentence. An empathetic, trained, engaged mom could fill in the paragraph of meaning in those seven simple words:
Mom, I can't do this alone. I need your help. I can sing. I practiced. I know all the words I'm supposed to sing. I love to perform. I can't wait for the thrill I feel when the people clap. Will the people cheer? When I get on the stage and the band kicks in, I know I'll be fine but right now, I'm not sure if I can manage the sensory input that I know lies between this already over-stimulating parking structure which smells of carbon monoxide and the plaza we just drove by where Angela and the In Harmony band are expecting me. But I've seen you do it. And I trust you. Will you get me past that gigantic, flagship Tower Records mega-store on the corner through the throngs of noonday workers and passersby at Horton Plaza to the stage they've set up for the NBC Health Fair? They're counting on me and I'm ready!
Well, he did do it! Reid was the guest vocalist performing some of the songs on the In Harmony Integrated Learning Resource book and CD. Our personal favorites, "I'm OK When Things Don't Go My Way" and "I'm Listening to What My Body Says" are ones he'd cut his teeth on over the years with Angela Neve as his music therapist. As Reid morphs into a teenager, Angela continues to gift us with her Developer and Futurist strengths (see yesterday's post). It is amazing to watch the sense of purpose and accomplishment which result from performing.
He's come a long way, baby! Last month, The Kingsmen Band, of which Reid is a member, had a gig at the Manchester Grand Hyatt in San Diego. The Autism Tree Project filmed their rehearsal session to be shown that evening at the 5th Anniversary "Rock The Lights Out for Autism"benefit gala. The boys in the band impressed us as we gathered in the opulent lobby and then roamed around to multiple meeting rooms lugging sound equipment while the crew considered the best possible filming location. We experienced moms (with years of stored memories of breakdown, meltdown, and fall out) suggested the cameraman scout it out and get back to us. "These guys don't transition well. You're going to lose them (mentally and maybe physically too). Do you know change is rough when...," we cautioned.
Finally, we landed in a vacant ballroom atrium in a different wing of the property. Despite our collective wisdom and fear from hindsight, the boys in the band cooperated with even the unreasonable requests that were made of them. All in the name of show biz! It was a testament to their motivation to perform, growth in character, ability to delay gratification, flexibility, responsibility to a team, and sense of purpose. That's why we're doing it! All good stuff.
Here is a portion of what was shown that night. Reid is the one giving the unsolicited rave endorsement of The Music Therapy Center of California. That part was not rehearsed or planned. It is straight from his heart and ironically, might be the best part!
They edited out an equally charming interview with Charlie:
TJ, the cameraman: Where else do you guys play? Do you hire out for parties?
Charlie: Ohhh NO. We don't do parties. Parties are very loud and too crowded.
Did I mention the film crew had no specific training in autism or speech therapy? Charlie displayed awesome self-advocating skills and honesty. He was gracious and polite to omit what I would have said, "One question at a time please, sir."
We are hooked on Tom Rath's book and online assessment tool StrengthsFinder! My mom's husband introduced it to us by giving the book to every member of the family. Papa Jim did it first. My husband and I did it. My mom finally did it. My brother has yet to do it. Our music therapist has her entire staff do it. A local church does it as part and parcel of their discipleship training. Carla and Sean did it. Carla redeemed herself from previously underselling Reid when she (true to form) discovered that they have a version for kids, StrengthsExplorer. So, my daughter, Allie did it. And then Reid did it. I am waiting for my nephews to do it.
I encourage all of you to do it! It is most useful if done with the group of people you interface with most often --be it family or colleagues or classmates--not in isolation. Then you begin to appreciate each other's gifts and differences in a constructive and practical way.
If you do it, you will learn 5 themes which represent your strengths. By focusing on those you will understand yourself in new ways and be equipped to find more satisfaction in work and relationships. For example: I felt a new kinship with my mom's husband realizing that we both have Harmony as a theme. It plays out differently in each of us due to our different life experiences but is nonetheless bonding, now that identified. I like to think that mothering autism with my need for Harmony, has shaped me into a mini-Kissinger with the learned ability to facilitate peace at any cost in our family. In contrast, I notice Papa Jim retreats (during family vacations under one roof) in order to maintain Harmony. Now, I have a new compassion for his motivation. As an out-of-town grandfather, he does not have the practice nor the responsibility of creating harmony--but it is definitely his preferred state.
My personal theory is that we are drawn to people who share
at least one of our dominant themes. This would explain why we just "get" some people and not others. A common Achiever theme bonds my husband, Jim, and I. Working together on a task (ie. cleaning the garage, moving annually across the country) really turns us on! Ha! Of course, family environment and nurture also influence the formation of our themes. I learned my Responsibility theme from my mom. She raised us placing a high value on doing the right thing, leaving a place better than you found it, taking the high road, and being the "big one." I fully expect my brother, David, to have Responsibility on his top 5 list also.
The StrengthsFinder exercise has helped me to see with hindsight certain events in the past with new interpretation. Most recently changing Reid's school was difficult for me because of the combination of my Empathy and Harmony theme. Jim sings this in a mocking permutation of "Ebony and Ivory" as this is where our opposite themes attract. (His top theme is Command.) I knew the change would be best for Reid and had to be made. Implementing it however, meant breaking it to the staff who I loved at the old school. I procrastinated doing that because I knew how it would make them feel (Empathy) to the extent that I put their feelings before my own. Coupled with the Harmony theme, meant I would also keep from rocking the boat as long as possible. Can you see how this new awareness of our strengths enabled me to appreciate (even welcome) it when Jim told me, "just do it!" He helps me get off the harmonic dime. Previously, I have just thought him hasty and insensitive.
Lest you think this is getting off topic, here comes the Autism Unplugged part. It is tragic how quickly, upon diagnosis into the world of autism, we begin to see only our child's deficits. How many professionals have you listened to itemize in great detail the myriad skills your child cannot do, may never do, and is way behind in doing? Where has it gotten us? or them? Depressed, demotivated, discouraged. Who needs that? Unplug from the noise.
StrengthsFinder, by contrast, gives us new excitement about where Reid will be most motivated, what opportunities we should create for him, and how he can accomplish the most in life. The process itself has been cathartic, empowering and corrective. Reid's attention to the online questionnaire was rapt. I had gotten special approval to have the time limit extended so that his answers could be accurate. Not necessary. Apparently he too responds positively to learning more about what he's good at! In short order, we had the fun of discovering Reid's top themes (Organizer, Achiever, Presence). If you've met him these will seem self-evident. He likes lists and schedules; likes to get things done (and off the list); and the world is his stage!
Seeing these in print from a reliable, mainstream Gallop poll puts him on a par with other members of the family and community which has been transformational for us. Will you do it?
It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. 2 Samuel 22:32-34
Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength."
Nehemiah 8:9-11
I can do everything through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:12-14
Don't get me started on music therapy! I should probably start a mega-theme or Music Monday column to cover the volumes of thoughts I have related to the power of music to transform our lives.
Apparently, I am not the only one. Have you seen the movie, Young at Heart? Although the movie doesn't focus on him I wonder many things about Bob Cilman, the leader of this choral group of seniors: What did he do previously? How did his passion for music connect with an interest in seniors? Does he know he is doing music therapy? What are his natural instincts and strengths? No doubt he is a Developer on the StrengthsFinder inventory by Tom Rath like Reid's music therapist par excellence, Angela Neve. I also wonder why there aren't similar groups in every single nursing home--especially my Nana's in Ohio--to appropriate the vitality and sense of purpose that singing together and preparing to perform brings these seniors who are simultaneously vibrant and dying.
Seniors singing together is a relatively simple concept. (Maybe most good ideas are simple--once they're thought of!) The further genius of the project though is their repertoire of songs. Cilman has this geriatric choir doing Sonic Youth, Beatles, Ramones, and James Brown covers! They don't particularly like the songs. I don't really either; except when they take on new life sung from an unexpected vantage point. With years of life experience and the wisdom of age, the seniors give new meaning to these lyrics. When Fred croons "Fix Me" as a memorial to his dear friend it means more than Coldplay ever imagined. This juxtaposition is what makes the film profound. (Then again maybe I am selling Coldplay. A similar thing happened when Reid sang "Scientist" last fall.)
Young at Heart is inspirational on many levels and for all ages. It depicts mutual trust between director and choir. It's novelty makes us laugh, not at the unusual, but in acknowledgment and recognition. It models the importance of mental flexibility and teachability. The film captures the therapeutic magic of music.
Also irresistible is the empowerment of a group of people who are otherwise dismissed from our society. Like those with autism and other disabilities, many seniors can feel isolated, forgotten, neglected by the end of their lives. Young at Heart demonstrates another truth; they in fact, have untapped potential and loads to offer--not just on the sidelines but in commercial venues at the forefront of our culture!
But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. 1 Corinthians 1:27
'Rise in the presence of the aged, show respect for the elderly and revere your God. I am the LORD. Leviticus 19:32
As they make music they will sing, "All my fountains are in you." Psalms 87:7
Tuesday night Jim and I began a six-week Life Planning Project course offered locally by Home of Guiding Hands. Designed to get us on the same page proactively envisioning Reid's future as we age (ahem) and eventually exit planet earth. 
