Mentorship right under my nose

What a week last week was! Four school night's out can nearly do me in.  Each night was worthy: an ASA film festival, our Banding Together board meeting, the Miracle Project launch in San Diego, a Kingsmen gig, Young Life fundraiser and Prom!!  Yet, on the heels of these daytime highlights: Allie presenting her "senior legacy" (one of 7 voted by classmates), an IEP, extra rehearsals and of course the up-do hair appointment, nails and pre-prom prep, they created a dizzying array of highpoints necessitating several take out dinners and a do-nothing Sunday.

Life is full. Where to start?

How 'bout with a line from yesterday's sermon? Summarizing a sermon on discipleship, our pastor implored us to, "look behind you, and see who's following you." All of us have opportunities to mentor and be mentored.

I saw this Friday night. A group of young musicians, The Dudes' Bandslam, are steadily following Reid and his Kingsmen bandmates. The Dude's Bandslam has been together a little more than a year. They opened Friday night for The Kingsmen who've been gigging for five years.

Mentoring is one of the key buzz words embedded in the threefold mission of Banding Together: to give music therapy scholarships, mentorships and instruments to youth with special needs. We toil in trial and error to create the first chicken, or is it the egg, of a mentorship program.  Gaining momentum, we were just awarded a grant from WRAMTA for a series of Jam Sessions linking local musicians with kids. Another smashing success that's evolving are Soundcheck Jams with touring musicians at the Belly Up Tavern. They deserve a post of their own.

Try as we might, it seems the most solid example of mentorships is right under our nose. It was obvious last Friday night; The Kingsmen themselves are the mentors!  How often is this how God works?  His ways are mysterious and higher than ours.  While we're busy compulsively planning good things, He hits a pop fly into left field. His upside-down Kingdom way never ceases to surprise and delight me. It makes me laugh honestly, in acknowledgment that it is so much better than anything we could have asked for or even imagined--around any brainstorming board table.

Back to the gig: the Dudes' Bandslam played the first set at our coffeehouse fundraiser.  We do a series of 6 of these throughout the school year.  Local high school bands and jazz ensembles perform, invite their own following. By selling raffle tickets, we raise money and awareness for music therapy.  Each one is awesome in its own right, having a different flavor depending on the crowd and tenor of the band.

I'm biassed obviously, but the last one of the season is special because it puts our mission into 3-D. Kids--with autism, who've grown up with music therapy--are up on stage rocking the casbah in order to raise money so kids like them, but younger can get the same benefits. Innately, they demonstrate our mission better than any board member could articulate it. They embody the mission. It rocks!

So, this tongue-tied board member hopes you can see from the pictures what took place. A community turned out.  Their were so many webs of connection between the audience--from church from Miracle League baseball, from the chiropractors office, from Capernaum.  Everyone knew somebody. That made for a receptive, encouraging environment.  Nervous as they were, the boys had the crowd whether they remembered the lyrics or sang off key.  Dancing in the aisle and hooting was encouraged.  We--because I include myself in the bunch--were like a bunch of college freshman having our first beers at a frat house. Crazy and carefree...

The paparazzi rivaled a royal wedding. In addition to the professional photographer, Stacy Bostrom, who volunteered (her portraits of kids make me drool), there were 3 videos rolling, a couple SLR's, and every iPhone in the place. Again, whether they kept or missed the beat, this was going down in history. Note: these pics are from my phone; hers will follow.

By the time the second set came around, our partner sorority Alpha Xi Delta had collected $400.  The Kingsmen took the stage and brought it home. Reid took the announcements from there. As front man, he has developed a comfortable schtick telling the audience where else they perform and what he likes best about being in the band.  On a roll this time, he even gave the last call for raffle tickets and said, "we messed up" when one of the songs had a false start.  No worries, they are seasoned performers. One comrade mom who has known Reid since our boys were kindergartners riding horses was mesmerized, "I don't think I've ever heard Reid speak." Such is the transformational power of music--and the stage for him.

That's when I saw it. On the overstuffed loveseat sat the entire Dudes' Slamband squished together, almost on each other's laps. The four of them, elated their set was done, watched every move The Kingsmen made.  Wielding drumsticks in the air, they copied unabashedly showing us how mentorship works. Never mind the local pros, The Kingsmen were mentoring them--modeling how it's done--breaking down the next steps--showing rather than telling what it is to be a band.

They need to have an encore ready next time, for they brought down the house!  Everyone wanted more.  Adrenaline rushing through his veins, Reid broadcast to every lingering fan, "Mom, I did an awesome job! That deserves a treat." He doesn't need a microphone.  Once home, he remained on top of the world spouting off another historic one-liner: "Mom, I DO wanna do more gigs. When's the next one?"  The thrill of living one's destiny feeds on itself and can't help but be passed along.

This from the boy who hours before didn't want to go. No one would have guessed how nervous he had been beforehand.  I hope he doesn't remember either:)


Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us,  Hebrews 12:1-3


What I mean is this: One of you says, “I follow Paul”; another, “I follow Apollos”; another, “I follow Cephas ”; still another, “I follow Christ.”  1 Corinthians 1:11-13

All God's Children

If you've never been in a room full of kids with disabilities, you haven't lived!

That wish may not be at the top your bucket list but, trust me if you ever get the chance it will tip your whole bucket upside down. Add music, worship or performance to that room and you approach an other-worldly experience that quickly becomes spiritual.

There is nothing quite so humbling or profound as watching people express themselves creatively without inhibition. I have had this experience a handful of times: at a Music Therapy Center recital, at Beyond Limits adult Sunday school class, and at the Young Life Capernaum Club Talent Show last June. Take a peek at what our friend Sean Horton captured on film.

Capernaum Talent Show from Sean Horton on Vimeo.

My experience must only begin to approach God's delight at watching us, his children--all of us differently-abled--using the gifts He gave us freely without comparison or ego or pride to adulterate them. It's pure and true to a liberating extent.

"Looks aren't everything. Don't be impressed with his looks and stature. God judges persons differently than humans do. Men and women look at the face; God looks into the heart." 1 Samuel 16:6-8

“To one he gave five bags of gold, to another two bags, and to another one bag, each according to his ability. Then he went on his journey." Matthew 25:14-15

Photo credit: Bill Wilson

P.S. You're invited to visit a Capernaum Club every other Thursday night at 6:30 at Flood church offices on Ruffin Road in San Diego.

Top 10 Tuesday

Top 10 Trampoline Tricks

10. daffy

9. can can

8. pike

7. cannonball

6. emergency stop

5. cross crawl

4. running elmo

3. 480

2. dance dance revolution Kat style

1. deadman drop

Call it what you will: brainwork, proprioception, occupational threapy, sensory integration, pure fun! We are so glad we bought this used trampoline off Craig's list for a pittance. Having gone through 3 or 4 of the small personal ones, we now wonder how we lived without this large family-size one. (Well, I guess we're all growing in size.)

Currently, it is required before homework, before a video, before dinner, pretty much before anything. Something about the way Kat calls them, "knee drop: GO!" makes the tricks even more compelling. Novelty and routine in perfect balance, like peanut btter and chocolate in a Reese's.

The Presence of a 1:1 Aide

Reid's school Talent Show was Wednesday. Horray! He transferred his musical skills to a new domain by auditioning, rehearsing, and performing without the aide of music therapist per se, but rather, teachers who are musical. The whole experience was a culmination of many goals mastered and an opportunity for the faculty to see a different facet of Reid.

Picture his solo of "People All Get Ready" by The Frames on a cavernous black stage all by his little lonesome in a glaring spotlight with his skinny knees pulsating rapidly up and down in panic.

He also did this dance number with his classmates:



Yes, I notice he is a whole head taller than the elementary age kids. Granted, it's time to transition him to the Adolescent Program upstairs. Clearly, he has the initiative of Aesop's fabled hare. Anyone can see how much loves the limelight! Not to mention, he can bust a dance move like none other. (Do I need to tell you he is the one on the far right?)

A spiritual point worth making struck me later that day. As I drove back to our "home district," it was dismissal time at the local elementary school. What a contrast to the footage I was excitedly viewing on my digital camera at a red light (living dangerously, I know). A host of schoolchildren congregated on the unprotected sidewalk of a busy artery waiting for two crossing guards to escort them 3 blocks safely under a freeway to residential streets beyond. The ratio had to be 40:2 at least.

I nearly gasped imagining Reid in that crowd with the inherent dangers of his impulsivity and sensory issues. What a "new normal" we have carved out for ourselves. Never could he exist, let alone thrive, in that size crowd.

Did you notice the ratio of adults (in the back row of the video clip) to students in the little troupe? With your trained eye, you probably recognize them as classroom aides. They are close at hand should anything go awry. It never does; for their mere presence ensures the kids' best behavior.

A reasonable assumption at Reid's school is that every student has significant behavioral challenges. Pleasantly surprised by their competence, my husband and I actually whispered in wonderment during the show. It's none of our business, but tempting nonetheless, to armchair diagnose his classmates. For this hour of time, it was hard to tell. Rest assured though, they are there with good cause and at large expense.

Classes are typically a 3:1 ratio with ancillary staff circulating as "problem solvers" on call and close at hand if required to intervene or enforce. Ever so gradually, they wean the kids off the dependence of the shadow aide they may have had in their referring school. Progress is measured by independence, self-control and functioning in a larger group.

What also impresses me (reviewing the video) is how little the aides actually do. Really they just stand there making their jobs look easy and planning to be obsolete. No verbal prompts, not much physical maneuvering, no big sticks, no PECS cards, no modeling hand motions, no hand-over-hand.

This is an illusion. The reality is they have worked strenuous, painstaking hours to get to this point. They've established their authority, consistency and expectations elsewhere. By May at the Talent Show, it is their presence alone that reinforces desired actions and appropriate behavior. Tenuous, but certain success.

Jesus was with us for just a little while on earth. He performed miracles and invested arduous hours in sandals teaching on the road. Then it was time for Him to leave. Now, even while He mysteriously lives in our hearts, it is largely dependent on us to tune into His presence. When I enter into His presence, I sense Him behind me, next to me, with me, leading me. That awareness keeps me on my toes behaviorally. Knowing He is close, elevates my thinking and aspirations. He holds me accountable silently without force. Just by being there.

What does being in God's presence mean to you? Would you leave it in a comment....



Even though I am not physically present, I am with you in spirit. When you are assembled in the name of our Lord Jesus and I am with you in spirit, and the power of our Lord Jesus is present... 1 Corinthians 5:2-4


For though I am absent from you in body, I am present with you in spirit and delight to see how orderly you are and how firm your faith in Christ is.
Colossians 2:4-6


God said, "Don't come any closer. Remove your sandals from your feet. You're standing on holy ground." Exodus 3:4-6

Moms (Open Mic) Night Out

What did you do for Mother's Day? When Jim asked me how I wanted to celebrate the day, I took it as a round tuit to do something I've been meaning to experience for awhile: Open Mic Night at the nearby E Street Cafe. Rallying the troops for such an off-beat adventure on a Sunday night is ordinarily difficult; on Mother's Day it was a shoo-in. Jim was thrilled to get off so easy. My wish was his command.

One thing you must know in advance:

Compliments of his new school, Reid has a thorough and effective Behavior Intervention Plan. One of the replacement behaviors they have taught him is to "move to a quiet area" (to replace throwing a shoe, running for a plate glass window, or biting your neighbor). Handy skill, well worth teaching. They've identified the antecedents to each of his maladaptive behaviors and itemized them for the benefit of all. During calm moments, Reid recites, writes, and is otherwise drilled on the five occurrences that warrant "moving to a quiet area" to pre-empt the meltdowns. The goal being for Reid to internalize these explicit triggers to his own agitation, take a minute away, and self-regulate eventually without even a prompt from the teacher. The plan is scientific, genius, and strategically comprehensive. His particular five reasons to move to a quiet area, which are committed to memory:


1. feeling silly

2. work is hard

3. others are loud

4. difficulty concentrating

5. difficulty communicating



I had several motives for getting to the Open Mic Night. Re-living my college days was not one of them--although that was a perk. (The vibe was reminiscent of The Rathskeller at the University of Wisconsin-Madison Student Union.) Rather, it seemed to be a relatively low frills, low cost night out for the whole family (ie. engaging everyone's interest). In addition, I am currently on the look-out for places to take Reid and his fellow Kingsmen band members to socialize (move beyond bowling), expose them to other performers, and scout out possible performance venues. Before I invited all four of the teens, I figured I better see whether censorship would be required.

We had a relaxed, lovely family "date" for less than $20 in just over an hour. No dirty jokes were delivered. Two guys who looked like twins in white t-shirts and jeans (note to self: this is what cool guys wear) played original, acoustic songs they'd written in the style of Jack Johnson or James Taylor. Reid enjoyed them, adding a little percussion by beating on our belly bar table and the one next to us. Although we tried to discourage him from getting up and actually dancing, once we received the warm smile from a 20-something, female patron bored with her computer, we relaxed into the scene. Most folks were engaged primarily with their laptops. The poor JT-wannabes were providing ambience at most. Reid was, in fact, flattering them with his rapt attention and adding to the entertainment value.

The third contestant was "Big Eddie." The cafe owner introduced him awkwardly, "Do you really want me to call you, Big Eddie?" Eddie was merely paunchy, a 70's boomer with an electric guitar and rhythm track to back him up.

He gave a shout out to Reid having eyeballed him in the smallish crowd, "Hey I need a drummer, if you're interested," and invited others to "shake your bootie if you want to." Reid got back on his feet (a notable moment of compliance) and poised his legs like a hoofer in an audition for Chorus Line. Now he had permission to tap his feet alternately right and left, and snap tap his fingers! Gotta love natural inclusion opportunities!! Big Eddie was cool with me.

He interspersed a few lyrics he'd written between lengthy guitar solos. A total departure from the other two, Big Eddie was more of an Eddie Van Halen wannabe. I wondered where his wife and kids were. They would have been identifiable in the intimate audience. During the fifth guitar solo, Jim commented, "This is why I sold my amp and electric guitar." Not Big Eddie. He's stickin' with it! A rocker for life.

After his third song, "Cosmic Love," we called it a night and headed home. Sunday is a school night. Very amusing, good clean fun, a peanut butter cookie and a tasty macchiato made for a happy camper van headed home on Mother's Day.

The punch line is this: at bedtime as we were tucking Reid in, reflecting on the novelty of the evening, openly laughing at the memory, Reid chimed in, "I think Big Eddie needs to move to a quiet area."

The high-level cognitive function that goes into a comment like that was not lost on me. It was a special treat to hear evidence that he has generalized his behavior plan, not only into our home environment but also projected it onto others in coffee houses. The comment attested to his sense of humor, ability to track and process the conversation, and put himself into others' shoes. Big Eddie was "being silly." Or was he?




They sing to the music of tambourine and harp; they make merry to the sound of the flute. Job 21:11-13



A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.
Proverbs 25:10-12



Immediately Jesus made his disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to Bethsaida, while he dismissed the crowd. After leaving them, he went up on a mountainside to pray. When evening came, the boat was in the middle of the lake, and he was alone on land. Mark 6:46-48

Free to Fly with the Wind

I am going to free myself up from my self-imposed template of length and structure for awhile, in favor of being more prolific and getting more posts out to you.

This story in the LA Times of a blind runner competing on a high school track team underscores the irony that in order to run with the chariots or really be free, we must in fact be tethered. Liberation for me, comes from being bound like an ox to Christ. When we submit to His yoke, our burdens lose their weight and we are finally on course. Read it and well up as I did at the beauty of her ambition and gratitude, the coach's resolve and resilience, the teammates' compassion and character development that are all perfectly woven together for good as the Father designed in advance. The story is also covered here in Breaking Christian News with a different slant.

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. Galatians 5:1-3

Interesting that like God, the runner knows each helper by name.

And the LORD said to Moses, "I will do the very thing you have asked, because I am pleased with you and I know you by name." Exodus 33:16-18

And how naturally inclusion flows out of the Coach Sramek's expectation of mutual respect and manners from his players.

As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind? Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him. John 9:1-3

Kingsmen Rock!

The Kingsmen recorded a debut CD last month. I hardly know where to begin to itemize the cornucopia of blessings it holds.

It is beautiful from so many angles. Takes me back to a sculpture class I took for my art history degree. There was something so obvious, yet eye-opening about walking around a work of art to appreciate it, as opposed to standing in one spot in front of a painting.

Music, even more than sculpture, is multi-dimensional, changing with each hearing, venue, and circumstance of the listener. 

The Kingsmen is a band of four guys who are all clients of the Music Therapy Center of California. They range in age from 10-15 and rehearse weekly with Rachel Gant as a facilitator. Charlie, Conor, Kenton and Reid hone many skills in order to make music together. They interact as a team, read each other's body language, listen intently for cues, tolerate diverse senses of humor, exercise patience, and encourage each other to new milestones. Their commitment and willingness to perform have yielded an incredible sense of confidence and achievement in each of them.

Without any precedent of what to expect, the Kingsmen pulled out all the stops to capture their current repertoire of hits including Three Little Birds by Bob Marley, Meant to Live by Switchfoot, and the live crowd pleaser, Hang On Sloopy. Each of the band members have a solo on the CD which rounds out the project. During the 3-hour recording session there were many smiles, and a definite mix of jubilation, fatigue, and concentration. Working toward a common goal, the boys now have something concrete to show for their efforts and share with the world. They are proud of the outcome!

I am proud of Ted Vaughn and Chris Hobson who made the recording session a reality at our church, Solana Beach Presbyterian Church. Ted has an interest in all things musical. More than that, he has caught the gestalt of the Kingsmen. Like a quarterback clutching a pigskin and driving toward the end zone, he has philosophically embraced what the band has to offer others in our community.  Everybody scores when they enter the spotlight and do their thing, rather than be relegated to the sidelines. Chris defies description. With the mystery of a kid-whisperer and his impeccable ears for sonic integrity, he is silently impressive. The interaction between these minds was something to behold.

At my first hearing of the recording, I used the word, "sweet" (of course, I am the Mom). The second time, "heartwarming" came to mind. I've landed on "endearing." Others say it has "raw honesty" and "tells the story of these guys." Kenton's rendition of Ingrid Michaelson's "The Way I Am" brings tears to your eyes. 

These boys are fast becoming young men; they have come a long way from "early intervention." Now they are finding a niche in society. In an effort to stay age-appropriate, their music therapy has morphed from one-on-one sessions to this more demanding and normalizing social experience of being in a band. Music is a bridge that can catapult them into "real world" encounters.

They played last year at a local Border's bookstore, Christmas on the Promenade, and several Walk Now for Autism events. What we find at these gigs is that despite their emerging musicianship and irregardless of their performance any given night, the boys have a message of struggle, promise, and victory that is universally relevant and inspiring. The manager at Border's commented that they were better than any in-store event he'd ever booked. Mind you, I know they weren't better technically, but their effort was greater and as a result the experience seems richer to the audience. Like the widow who gave her last mite, these guys are walking parables. Many life lessons are magnified by their example. Oddly, (and fortunately, for the moms listening in trepidation in the wings) not much explanation is needed for the audience to "get it." The boys can't hide their struggle or their success. People are moved for reasons that are hard to deny and don't need to be explained.

They will play at our church during December. I am both nervous and excited about this.  I can't help but hear countless Biblical foundations through The Kingsmen. Perhaps they are able to convey these truths more profoundly than the professional worship leaders we are used to hearing up front. Precepts from the Bible jump off the pages when they deliver culturally relevant lyrics like "you know you gotta help me out...." from the Killers "All These Things that We've Done" or "we were meant to live for so much more..."from Switchfoot or "don't worry about a thing..." from Bob Marley.  Are those not doctrinal sound bites that resonate with God's Word? No wonder they're so full of hope!

Now, I must figure out how to load MP3's on a blog.

If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!  Ecclesiastes 4:9-11


Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.  Matthew 6:33-34


What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?  Matthew 16:25-27

"I tell you the truth," he said, "this poor widow has put in more than all the others." 

Luke 21:2-4

More Music Mastro

Ours was a weekend full of music that ran the gamut from Kibbles Rockin' Clubhouse hits to Coldplay covers to Mussorgsky's Hopak from "Sorochinsky Fair." Scratching in my mind are partial tracks from each of these as I face Monday morning. My husband was hanging on by the hair of his chinny chin chin to keep up with the whirlwind schedule the kids and I had memorized.  Reid sang at least 4 times from the Walk Now for Autism stage on Saturday.  Allie played flute in the first San Diego Youth Symphony concert of the season. High brow, low brow, we were all over town.

The San Diego Youth Symphony honors a music educator each year who has devoted their career to developing young musicians.  Dean Hickman, chosen this year, gave a brief but moving acceptance speech. You know I love music and its myriad benefits are already swirling around like visions of sugarplums in my head. I spent last week helping write the mission statement and vision for Banding Together, a non-profit organization newly established "to make music with people with special needs to unleash their creative potential and connect in community." (I've memorized that after tweaking and typing it so many times.)  

So, Mr. Hickman's sentiments are ringing in my ears.  As he eloquently said, music is the universal language.  By teaching it, we prepare future leaders of the world with character, discipline, and skills in every discipline from math and physics to diplomacy and foreign language.  His own son grew up in the ranks of the SDYS and is now a principal trumpet player for a symphony in the midwest. He told of international travel opportunities where students unable to communicate one word of each other's language could sit down and engage at length over a piece of Mozart music.  So strong is the language of music. Agreed.

Given our family dynamic, I couldn't help but notice one itty bitty inaccuracy. When the inimitable conductor touted his truly outstanding program, he pointed out the beauty of this annual concert is that it features all five levels of the SDYS program thereby displaying the development and progression of musicians through every ability level. Well...almost every ability.  

I am not suggesting that the SDYS take on students with diagnosed disability. But rather, wouldn't it be nice if a similar program existed that really was fully inclusive? Well, it just soon may! 

Maybe not in the classical vein but with a similar goal of developing musical talent at all levels. Only a few precedents exist that I have been able to unearth. The Naturals is a band in Chicago founded by music therapists at the Creative Music Exchange. They have attained attention from the media here if you want to hear them.

Keys to the Studio in Toronto is another one.  People inside and outside the disability world are excited about this place.  News coverage lists the professionals who volunteer and connect under the studio roof.  Listening to the CBC audio interview with founders, John Jowitt and Salina Eldon, gives me goosebumps.  As he says, "music is an open, infinite field that allows for all kinds of sound.  It is also a method of communication and a way of seeing what's in peoples' minds. The connection that you develop when playing music with someone is very strong...and leads to social connection..which is really helpful integrating people with each other."  I want to meet this guy!

In order to allow artistic expression and build trust, there is no right and wrong at Keys to the Studio.  Doesn't this smack wonderfully of Greenspan's Floortime and RDI?  By following the child's lead, withholding preconceived expectations and accepting each other's ideas as valuable, we build relationship and engagement.  As this generation of autism grows up, the world will need more programs like this for teens and young adults.

As I manned the MTCCA booth last Saturday at the Walk, I was quickly reminded how much music has driven and transformed Reid's development.  I could honestly say to the throngs of parents filing through the resource fair:  "Reid grew up the songs in the In Harmony curriculum. Before they were published, Angela used them in her private sessions with him."  "Until age 8, everything he knew he'd learned through music" (counting, the alphabet, greetings, sharing, Bible verses, the Lord's prayer, days of the week, months of the year, continents).  "Music engages him instantly because with it he can access both sides of his brain." 

We call her Lady Babyish now, but the female voice on an old Discovery Toys (check out the new Autism Program on their site) "Sounds Like Fun" cassette was his first teacher.  She covered a lot of ground with him at naptime, bedtime, and drive time.  Thankfully, we've progressed from there to more age-appropriate musical selections.  Much to my dismay, my car radio is now tuned to Star 94 and I am having to edify "Laura's Dirt" and Jeff and Jer's morning show on a regular basis.  Reid, "you know 'dirt' is actually gossip which is harmful. Remember what Judy Rogers (another awesome early musical educator in Bible literacy) sang about the seven things God hates"? Be that as it may, music remains a great vehicle for lifetime learning, recreation, and "therapy" at any level.

The vision for Banding Together includes a recording studio space where professional and amateur musicians, of truly ALL abilities, can pursue their passion together. Turning obsession into vocation as Temple Grandin exemplifies and advocates in her book, "Developing Talents," can happen--not in a vacuum--but in community with others who share the same passion. Through mentorship, jam sessions, workshops, open mic nights and recording opportunities, we intend to take the goals of the SDYS to the "n"th degree. Stay tuned...

As they make music they will sing, "All my fountains are in you." 

Psalm 87:6-7

So I was afraid and went out and hid your talent in the ground. 

Matthew 25:24-26


But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that. 

1 Corinthians 7:6-8

There are six things the LORD hates, seven that are detestable to him.  

Proverbs 6:15-17

I Hate Charts! (but I just made another one)

Do you share my age-old dilemma of how to motivate fill-in-child's-name-here?  What do I need to do to get him to do what I want done? What reinforcer will be motivating this week? What behavior of mine do I have to change to impact his? Should I do what the experts suggest, what the specialists promote, what I'm good at, or what works?  And what does work? In the end it seems, all of us resort to some sort of chart. Can I tell you something? I have grown to hate them.

Reidy has an Achiever strength by all measures. Still I wonder, at what point will he--will he ever--be intrinsically motivated to do his personal best? Will he always need the proverbial carrot?

We had a private teacher at home for awhile with Reid.  At the time, she split her time between two boys on the spectrum who could not be more different, despite carrying the same label. Becky had to dramatically alter her incentive and motivation plan from one house to the next. This made me feel better about my homeschooling tenure. If it wasn't obvious to her, then I hadn't been so stupid to have missed it all those years before.  For one of her students, the ultimate fire under his tail was her simple statement, "alright, if you're not going to do your work, then I will have to call your mother."  I was amazed to hear that was the extent of her strategy (and concerned that she might not have enough tools in her kit to handle what Reid was dishing out at the time).  What a stark contrast to the hoops we'd jump through to get my son to simply come to the table, let alone put his name in the right hand corner!

Completely different personalities, same diagnosis (didn't I just write about this?).  One boy is a rule follower; mine is not.  Mine is a boundary crossing, envelope pushing, rule breaker. Draw him a line, he jumps across it.   Give him a threat, and in the immortalized words of Clint Eastwood, he'll make your day!

So, my darling boy is no longer homeschooled, nor does he attend the touchy-feely, "work with me, not on me" holistic school of my original preference.  In order to make some quantifiable progress, he now attends a highly-structured, scientifically-based, "behavior mod is our specialty" school.  Not a pretty picture always.  Let me tell you what I see there: a lot of charts!!

My sadness is not that I can't help in the touchy-feely school's library (although I miss that). My greater concern is actually a fear that we are, in fact, solving a short term problem at the expense of his long term potential.  Evidence like Alfie Kohn's books, Punished by Rewards, Unconditional Parenting and many others, hook me in and haunt me.  I am perpetually having to discern whether they resonate with me because of my own school experience or fit Reid's. I often feel trapped by his behaviors, with no choice but to use what is "proven" which is precisely what Kohn lambasts.  Is there room for his alternatives in the autism realm?

Remember Summer in the movie, School of Rock?  She is the over achiever, class do-gooder who needs to be in charge. She does not have autism, but she sure does like sticker charts, gold stars, and rewards.  After the shake up of Jack Black's arrival as a long-term substitute teacher, she begins to loosen up and find different reasons to achieve.  As he implements his highly unorthodox brainstorm to turn the class into a rock band, he assigns roles to each student. Since Summer is not particularly musical, Black makes her a groupie which will never do.  

Parenthetically, I made a similar mistake recently. Attempting to rally support and organize our posse of moms at one of the Kingsmen performances, I said, "we'll be groupies." Well, the aghast look on one of the moms faces made me quickly realize, that is not what I meant! "I mean roadies!" who carry all the stuff and get them to the venue on time.  I was using the terms synonymously, which they are not. What do I know about the music biz? Apparently zilch.

After hearing Summer's appeal, Jack Black concedes to naming her the road manager.  This scene marks the transition for her between performing for the extrinsic reward and internalizing a motivation to simply do her best.  I love it and wish it for Reid.

I was a bit like Summer.  With my maiden name of Andrea Anderson, I grew accustomed to always being first in the alphabetical roll call and taking my assigned seat in the front row. I achieved my assumed aspiration of straight A's after my name.  I learned by rote and met the teacher's expectations. You might say I learned "to the test," but sadly, I don't think I ever really worked to my full potential.  There is a limitation placed by limitations.  Maybe that's obvious. We think limitations in school settings are there to promote effective learning but in reality, they can lower the ceiling on what is accomplished.  Whether or not behavior is not an issue, why can't the sky be the limit?

I suppose I longed for a teacher like Jack Black who, although unqualified by the world's standards and on paper, breaks free from the establishment. With raw conviction, charisma, and creativity he woos students into self-discovery and accomplishment. I find it refreshing that he doesn't care about appearances one iota.  He has a good heart even if all the wrong words. What could he do with a Special Day Class or a fully included student?  I'd like to see a sequel, School of Rock II: SDC.

Now it may seem sacrilege to compare Jack Black to Jesus but I am seeing a parallel. (Remember all analogies are flawed.) Jesus came and did not look or act like the kind of king the Jews wanted or expected.  He was scruffy, undistinguished, and from Nazareth, of all places. Yet, He changed their lives from the inside out.  He changed the old law and told them He was the Way.  No longer did they need to keep all their laws to the letter.  Now, simple faith in Him would cut the mustard. Following Him with genuine heart and soul and mind was a radically new expectation.  They were used to ticking off their checklists of complex food rules, doing a sort of negative token economy of sacrificing animals to restore favor, and charting offenses of themselves and each other. Jesus told them to throw all that out; it doesn't matter.  I want your hearts not your perfect, little, pressured habits and sticker charts!

I can't quite fathom how, but I believe one day in heaven an Almighty God will demonstrate the perfect balance between unconditional love, motivational strategy and reward structure. In His Word, He does mention jewels in our crown.  Certainly, eternal salvation is the ultimate payoff for accepting Him on faith. I have always wanted the Bible to make a clear case for either behavior mod or unconditional parenting, but it doesn't. It gives examples of both. Maybe, God wants us to walk with Him in prayer and devotion so He can personally advise us on the particulars for any one child at any given chapter of life.  So, ultimately He is our reward; when we realize that His unconditional love and presence lead us through any fog.

However, as it is written: "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him"  1 Corinthians 2:8-10

Who has understood the mind of the LORD, or instructed him as his counselor?  Isaiah 40:12-14

But now, by dying to what once bound us, we have been released from the law so that we serve in the new way of the Spirit, and not in the old way of the written code. Romans 7:5-7


you, O Lord, are loving. Surely you will reward each person according to what he has done. Psalm 62:11-12


Love... keeps no record of wrongs.  1 Corinthians 13:4-6

photo credits:  www.easychild.com

Why Do You Walk? (or don't you)

Autism Speaks has been shrouded in controversy for awhile. Our San Diego Walk is next Saturday and although I part company with Autism Speaks on issues of style and some content, Reid and the Kingsmen do still sing at this local event. It is a great performance opportunity for them with a receptive audience of wonderful people on the same pilgrimage. The Walk Now for Autism is the single largest unifying event of families like ours, here and most likely, in your town too.

Our walk team this year is dubbed the "Kingsmen Roadies."  Our focus is supporting the band and displaying their talent, development, and potential to the autism community.  Who better to celebrate their accomplishment than those in the same boat who live the odds we've face to arrive at this point?  Who better to encourage, than families farther down the pike who need hope for their kids?  

No human being and no human organization is perfect. Not Autism Speaks, not TACA, not ASA, not the church. Although I still publicize and promote the walk as a chance to cheer Reid on, I always downplay the solicitation angle. Distrust and suspicion have made me wary. I give a small donation myself in solidarity for a compelling cause in my life...and in pursuit of balance. At the same time, I feel honor bound to recognize both sides of the story. This article by Cody Boisclair is one of the best I've read of many objections to the largest autism organization in the country. It was posted on the Autistic Self Advocacy Network website which does just what their name claims.  They provide a forum for articulate adults on the spectrum to voice their informed opinions.

Just as I cannot be a single issue voter, I think we ought not be single issue donors. They've made mistakes.  Autism Speaks has also done a tremendous job increasing public awareness and engaging the media.  So, I support with a caveat. Object while being involved. And hope to wield influence.

To me, tragedy doesn't sell, hope does!  We experienced some of both at the Team Captain kick-off meeting before the walk.  Reid and a fellow Kingsmen band member (who also loves the limelight) are always proud to do musical solos at the Crowne Plaza banquet hall where the rally is held.  For the last two years, their performances have been unintentionally ironic.  As if in spontaneous debate with the typically depressing Autism Speaks platform, their songs corrected the record.  

I don't know if it's this way in every city, but in San Diego, the agenda includes a plethora of announcements and an invited speaker whose job, I would think, is to demonstrate how funds will be put to good use.   Well, twice now I have felt the speakers were not only tearfully boring, but also inappropriately negative.  They portray autism in characteristic Autism Speaks' fashion as a tragedy and the children diagnosed with it as a burden.  This is a real problem for me, on many levels and especially when present company includes my son, who is a heritage from the Lord, a blessing and the joy of my life; thank you very much!

I am uncomfortable with the placards on each table that show a collage of testimonials in answer to the question, "Why do I walk?"  Each more pitiful than the next, they send the wrong message to the capable teens and adults with autism who are well able to read them as they wait their turn to go on stage or be featured in other ways.  As does the statistic-filled video they show that infers my child and others across the country are numbers or worse a crisis, rather than individuals created in God's image with a plan and a future as the Bible is clear to say about all children born into this world.  I'm "gettin' my preach on," as my favorite prophetess, Ginny Owens, says.  All I could think sitting there was, "how will I would correct these fallacies entering his eyes and ears with truth as soon as possible?" Not to mention, "Should I walk? Do I have to walk? Why am I here?"  

Oh, it gets worse. (You're going to think this is fiction.)  This year's scientific speaker was a doctorate director of a local brain tissue donation program.  She talked at length and in graphic visual detail, about how dead brains of children can be useful to science and asked us (not for money) but to consider donating our kid's brains after they die, of course!  This is true.  She even introduced a grieving woman who had done so, and had her stand up for applause at the front table.  What makes that a rallying point?  And who considers it in good taste?  I was not opening my wallet, let me tell you.  I continued to think, "How can I get out of here?  "Why don't they have a backstage area where I could wait out these offensive speeches with my son who is very much alive?!"  

Until, finally, it was the boys' cue. Reid bounded up on stage in his characteristic way belted out "Hey Jude" by the Beatles, taking a sad song and making it be..eh..eh..tter.  Then, Kenton in all his innocent, 10 year old glory walked up to the mic and sang Ray Charles' "I Don't Need No Doctor," with a few modified lyrics but the same punchy refrain. This is John Mayer singing it, but Kenton was better!

I hope it did not offend Dr. Jane Pickett, the director of the brain tissue donation program.  I hope it did wonders for her perogative on the living. 

Where I end up on all this is, I am attending the walk, promoting my son, and quoting truth to all who will listen.  The Bible talks about being "in but not of the world."  Is it possible to be in but not of Autism Speaks?

But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.  1 Corinthians 1:26-28

For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.  John 3:16-18


Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.  Romans 12:1-3 

photo credit:  farm4flikr.com

Same Kind of Different As Me

By now you know how important Angela Neve is in our life. What you may not know, is that I take piano lessons from her too. Which means, twice a year I play in the recital which she hosts for ALL her students.

It is a moving event on many levels. The students are all shapes, sizes, and skills. Some strum a rhythm on an autoharp; some sing; some memorize; some improvise. All find joy in music. All are given dignity as performers. I was in tears (and I never cry) the first year I saw Angela accompany a young woman in a solo she'd written about "Going to Seaworld." It was profound in its simplicity, honesty, and delivery. Angela has a masterful and instinctive way of honoring and empowering student musicians at every level of proficiency. Her compelling belief in the student and her undeniable joy in participating with them moves everyone as much as (and sometimes more than) the perceptible beauty of any particular piece.

At the outset, it would seem that I--a college educated, able-bodied, mother of 44--would waltz right up on stage, play my Arabesque by Burgmuller, take my bow, then take my seat. No big deal. Well, let me tell you it actually was a big deal.

As previously stated, we all have different strengths. Mine are not performing or public speaking or even music. Three years ago, another grown woman (and my soul sister, dear friend) was also on the program. Being Angela's only neurotypical adult clients (and therefore the only adults in the recital) bonded us in yet another way. It gave us opportunity to commiserate and confide in each other how truly difficult and nerve wracking it is to perform. How is it our boys want to do this? We were sweating profusely, hands trembling from nerves, and at least I was frozen on the bench unable to find middle C. "This is really embarrassing, humiliating in fact. I should be able to do this, shouldn't I? This is not a big deal." The self-talk was not helping. My daughter was mortified.

The second year was easier I must say but, I was still mindful of my choice of anti-perspirant. This year, I had enough wherewithall to analyze my own behavior. Call it functional analysis (which always takes awhile to complete). I realized two things: how the nervousness came from my selfish focus and how much I am just like the "special needs" students.

It's not about me. This is a commonly required reminder right now in our culture. I am hearing it from our pulpit at church, from the podium at Allie's graduation, and from my Beth Moore study. It's not new though. Isn't it the tag line from Rick Warren's Purpose Driven Life? What kept me from being a total mess was the fact (or just my perception) that Reid needed a bit of support from me. So, his needs and my maternal instinct saved me from total self absorption. Giving (or better yet, self sacrifice) is actually the antidote for so many modern ailments from depression to anxiety to loneliness.

The other truth is: I was just the same as any of the young kids who sidled up onto that stage and plunked out their pieces before the adoring crowd of family and friends. I love music enough to want to produce some on my own. I can read music but am nowhere near prodigy material. I practice almost every day, especially the day before Angela comes. I feel more motivated to improve when I know a recital is on the calendar. I hope I won't flub up (like last year). I wonder what people think while I'm playing. I worry that I'll blank out and not recognize middle C (again). I enjoy the attention of my husband taking a photo from the front aisle. I feel proud when it's all over. I sigh a deep breath and smile when I hear the applause.

Whether 8 with autism or 43 without, we are so human! We are all growing in grace, poise, ability and self awareness.

I recall a phrase from somewhere in my continuing education as an autism mom that, "kids with autism are more like others than they are different from others." Never was that more obvious than when I waited my turn in the recital lineup.

Off topic, but a fabulous read is the book whose title I lifted for this post. Same Kind of Different As Me is the gripping story of an unlikely friendship between an affluent art dealer and a homeless black man. They could never have predicted how interwoven their lives became. If you have time for another summer read, I recommend it. It is another illustration of how universally human--and alike--we are down deep.

The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” 1 Samuel 16:7



We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way; and the Lord has laid on him (Jesus) the iniquity of us all. Isaiah 53:5-7



Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. Philippians 2:5-7

photo credits: www.pianofield.com, sandis-stickers.com

Made to Make Music

Here is yet another example of how much power music has to give hope, to provide opportunity, to build awareness, to demonstrate skill, to make you cry, to entertain, to enable communication, to enhance our understanding of others, to change the world.

David Militello sang Ben by the Jackson Five on America's Got Talent and won the hearts of the audience. I love the part when his mom shares what she is thinking; this is what he was made to do. Some call that destiny. The belief that we each have one inspired the formation of Children of Destiny and is laced through the books and resources they provide from daily prayer subscriptions to AutismOne Radio broadcasts on Sunday. What is it you were made to do?



The lyrics of that song are pretty poignant in themselves. I am enjoying a devotional from the library by Ann Spangler, Praying the Names of Jesus. In it she devotes one week to meditating on Jesus as Friend. He is the one who lays down His life for a friend (John 15:13), who cares about the daily goings-on of his disciples and asks, "Friends, haven't you caught any fish?" (John 21:4-7), and who no longer calls us servants because "everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you." (John 15:14-16) You've got a friend in deed!


He who loves a pure heart and whose speech is gracious will have the king for his friend. Proverbs 22:10-12

Even now my witness is in heaven; my advocate is on high. My intercessor is my friend as my eyes pour out tears to God; on behalf of a man he pleads with God as a man pleads for his friend. Job 16:19-20


From the lips of children and infants, you have ordained praise ...Psalm 8:2

Bands of Light

Nerves ran high before the Kingsmen band performed at a local Borders last Tuesday. At least the parents were concerned and a bit self-conscious about letting our adolescent boys make this debut public appearance.

The boys belted out "Hang on Sloopy" and the youngest member of the band (9) graced us with a heartfelt solo of Ingrid Michaelson's poignant song "The Way I Am."

"Don't Worry about a Thing" chirped the Bob Marley lyrics as they called it a night. Reid said his obligatory thank you's to the cluster of teachers who came to support him, negotiated a DVD purchase with Dad and off we went to bed on a school night.

All's well that ends well. Practice makes perfect. Keep up the good work. Oh ye of little faith. Music in a universal language. The show must go on. You don't mind if I write in all cliches, do you?

How often have you been in a place where you could not see the future but needed to step into it anyway? The boys did this. The band leaders from The Music Therapy Center of California did it. We, moms, did it. As parents of kids with autism, we are pioneers whether we like it or not. I hadn't realized until afterwards what uncharted territory it is to have a special needs band performing in a neurotypical, public venue. It shouldn't matter and in many ways it didn't matter. At the same time, that is what made it meaningful.

Perhaps the most telling commentary were from the store manager afterwards. He said the 30 minute show was better than most of the in-store events they've had. What's more...he'd love to have the Kingsmen back on a regular basis! We'll have to see about that*@!*? (His son was not in the band; I promise.) Music has a universal appeal and so does hope. Could it be that hope is what he found appealing? Hope is compelling, even marketable to him, his clientele, and to the world.

My nephew has been to Berklee school of music and led bands from Boston to LA with his magnanimous personality and superior saxophone skill. He told Reid once that "Half of success is just showing up." Woody Allen thought it was 80%. True, practical, sage advice for any man. Much of what we need to know in life can be boiled down and made that simple...whether its the gospel, making a living, or pursuing a dream.

Flame is a band who just showed up and now they have a custom fire painted tour bus! The group began as a recreation program at Lexington Center in New York state. They were so well received by local audiences that they've now recorded two CD's and are moving from regional to national ambitions. Check out this promo tape and you'll wonder, is it Tracy Chapman or is it Michelle King? Reading the bios of Michelle and the other band members makes that old "Up, up with people" track run through my mind!



I don't do prophecy but I do enjoy forward thinking! Does anyone know of other bands like Flame and the Kingsmen? Please chime in if you do.


"By day you led them with a pillar of cloud, and by night with a pillar of fire to give them light on the way they were to take." Nehemiah 9:12


"We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!" 1 Corinthians 13:12-13 The Message

"...we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us." Romans 5:3

Two Recitals, a Baptism, and a Graduation

Four Weddings and a Funeral had nothing on our weekend!

With my mom in tow from Florida, we followed a flow chart made in advance so everyone was without excuse when I said, "meet you in the car" yet again. We went from my daughter's 8th grade promotion Friday morning to two parties.  Woke up early Saturday for a packing meeting before her backpacking departure to Yellowstone then off to set up for Reid's baptism at the beach. That had to be the climax!  Saturday night Carla and her sister-in-law came over for her last supper before running the Rock 'n Roll Marathon which is in town.  Sunday was church for some and a dress rehearsal for Allie and Jim.  We reconvened for Reid's recital and then picked up a friend to hear Allie perform in the Youth Symphony at Copley Hall with us. Home for dinner, then one last stop at Sports Authority (8:54pm) for hiking gear and to bed with us.  My mom and Jim left on red-eye flights in there somewhere (I am not responsible for them).  Carla showed up Monday morning at 5:00AM to be home with Reid so I could give Allie a proper send-off at the airport with her school group....and be home to put Reid on the 7:30am bus.

Craziness?  Adrenaline rush? Special occasion mania! I was touched by so many individual moments in the 48 hour period, I've become numb. I have enough blog material for the next month...now I just need a full night's sleep.

Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her." Luke 10:41

When the queen of Sheba saw the wisdom of Solomon, as well as the palace he had built, the food on his table, the seating of his officials, the attending servants in their robes, the cupbearers in their robes and the burnt offerings he made at the temple of the LORD, she was overwhelmed.  2 Chronicles 9:3-5

I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety.  Psalm 4:7-8

Another gig

"Mom, just get me to the stage!" Reid implored as we anxiously unloaded the van for one of his first gigs a couple years ago. There was a volume of between-the-lines information conveyed in that one little sentence. An empathetic, trained, engaged mom could fill in the paragraph of meaning in those seven simple words:

Mom, I can't do this alone.  I need your help.  I can sing.  I practiced. I know all the words I'm supposed to sing.  I love to perform. I can't wait for the thrill I feel when the people clap.  Will the people cheer? When I get on the stage and the band kicks in, I know I'll be fine but right now, I'm not sure if I can manage the sensory input that I know lies between this already over-stimulating parking structure which smells of carbon monoxide and the plaza we just drove by where Angela and the In Harmony band are expecting me.  But I've seen you do it.  And I trust you.  Will you get me past that gigantic, flagship Tower Records mega-store on the corner through the throngs of noonday workers and passersby at Horton Plaza to the stage they've set up for the NBC Health Fair? They're counting on me and I'm ready!

Well, he did do it!  Reid was the guest vocalist performing some of the songs on the In Harmony Integrated Learning Resource book and CD.  Our personal favorites, "I'm OK When Things Don't Go My Way" and "I'm Listening to What My Body Says" are ones he'd cut his teeth on over the years with Angela Neve as his music therapist. As Reid morphs into a teenager, Angela continues to gift us with her Developer and Futurist strengths (see yesterday's post). It is amazing to watch the sense of purpose and accomplishment which result from performing.  

  

He's come a long way, baby!  Last month, The Kingsmen Band, of which Reid is a member, had a gig at the Manchester Grand Hyatt in San Diego. The Autism Tree Project filmed their rehearsal session to be shown that evening at the 5th Anniversary "Rock The Lights Out for Autism"benefit gala.  The boys in the band impressed us as we gathered in the opulent lobby and then roamed around to multiple meeting rooms lugging sound equipment while the crew considered the best possible filming location. We experienced moms (with years of stored memories of breakdown, meltdown, and fall out) suggested the cameraman scout it out and get back to us. "These guys don't transition well.  You're going to lose them (mentally and maybe physically too). Do you know change is rough when...," we cautioned. 

Finally, we landed in a vacant ballroom atrium in a different wing of the property. Despite our collective wisdom and fear from hindsight, the boys in the band cooperated with even the unreasonable requests that were made of them.  All in the name of show biz! It was a testament to their motivation to perform, growth in character, ability to delay gratification, flexibility, responsibility to a team, and sense of purpose.  That's why we're doing it!  All good stuff.

Here is a portion of what was shown that night.  Reid is the one giving the unsolicited rave endorsement of The Music Therapy Center of California. That part was not rehearsed or planned.  It is straight from his heart and ironically, might be the best part!

They edited out an equally charming interview with Charlie:

TJ, the cameraman:  Where else do you guys play?  Do you hire out for parties?

Charlie: Ohhh NO.  We don't do parties.  Parties are very loud and too crowded.

Did I mention the film crew had no specific training in autism or speech therapy? Charlie displayed awesome self-advocating skills and honesty. He was gracious and polite to omit what I would have said, "One question at a time please, sir."

Be sure to catch their next gig at Border's Bookstore in Mission Valley Tuesday, June 17 at 7:00pm.

photo credits: photos.lguogo.com