Top 10 Tuesday

Top 10 Reasons to use Dignifying Language about those with Autism

(or any disability)

10. We are more alike than different

9. We are all disabled somehow

8. You likely love someone on the spectrum since it affects 1 in 95 children

7. You wouldn't want to offend someone in the room

6. We are all made in God's image

5. The Golden Rule is to love your neighbor as yourself; it's how you'd want to be treated

4. Words change our perception of others

3. People meet the expectations we set for them; your words impact another's identity

2. A person is a person; a soul is a soul

1. You have influence over others

Of course this begs the question: What is dignifying language? Kathie Snow at Disability is Natural has ammassed a wealth of articles here that define people-first language quite well.

John Tomkins work in developing Green Language is also excellent. Exploring his site for a couple minutes makes you mindful of your tongue in new ways. There are many ways to interact with his site, games for kids, and explanations of how our brains react to language and how words lead to behavior. We can all improve on this. And it's a matter of life or death according to the Bible.

Words are powerful; take them seriously. Words can be your salvation. Words can also be your damnation." Matthew 12:33-35 The Message

Words kill, words give life; they're either poison or fruit--you choose.

1. Proverbs 18:20-22 The Message

1. 
   

Kind words heal and help; cutting words wound and maim.

1. Proverbs 15:3-5 The Message

Top 10 Tuesday

Top 1o Things I Appreciate about Reid's New School

10. their intentional "Empathy, Invitation, Plan" approach

9. a preponderance of male staff (which is a subtle but critical component to Reid's adolescence and my husband's engagement)

8. allowance for some naturally occurring elbowing and shoulder tapping (who wants to raise a robot)

7. the "practice makes permanent" (not perfect) ideal

6. true partnership with parents

5. daily interaction with the local community (this is valuable even when it, especially when it breaks down)

4. a careful, positive use of the power of words to affect behavior

3. the cohesive team approach of the staff and students

2. a palpable acceptance kids can feel (which fundamentally enables them to trust teachers enough to be vulnerable and learn)

1. the occasional photo text they send that's worth a thousand words (see left)

Last June when it became obvious we had to find a new placement for Reid, we revisited a place I had loved 3 years prior. Pioneer Day School has only improved since then and retained it's intentionally small size.

The teddy bear of a director sat catty corner from me at a conference table explaining the founding principles of his school. Resisting the urge to hug this man, I leaned back--likely scooched my chair away--so as not to block my husband from catching the full drift of truth he was speaking. I wanted them to relate man-to-man. As Mr. Banks said in Mary Poppins, "Enough of this slipshod, sugary, female way of thinking."

Hearing about empathy, social thinking, music instruction, and kinesthetic learning from a beefy man who's educated dozens of challenging boys is very different than hearing your wife say, "let's wait til he's calm to finish the homework." Jim Leiner described how he trains his teachers to first give empathy (ie. "I know this must be hard for you Billy, math was always difficult for me too"); then offer an invitation ("If you'd like I can show you something I learned that helps); and make a plan ("How 'bout if we do 5 problems today and save the rest for tomorrow?")

In one sitting, what my husband used to perceive as "coddling" became logical, within reason, even wise. We listened (well actually, I nodded like a bobble-headed dashboard ornament) then toured the school. This move would represent a return to our original follow-your-gut instinct on what was best for Reid. By moving him, we would abandon the "research-based," straight behavior mod program for something far more holistic. It was a battle between the head and the heart for both of us.

As we got out to the curb in front of the building, I refrained from jumping for joy. I don't like to stack the deck or be subjective. (ha!) My new intention these days is to submit to my husband's wisdom.

Our other set of eyes was a dear friend Kate, who has credentials up the wazoo from evaluating classrooms around the world for a living. Even at first glance observing the classrooms of Pioneer, Kate noticed countless examples of student work and real curriculum which indicated a place of learning. This was a vivid contrast to the starkness of the previous place where the curriculum really was behavior.

Was it just me? Or was this gonna be unanimous? After giving her professional opinion, Kate asked the obvious, what did I think? As I stifled my enthusiasm still wanting Jim to arrive at his own clarity, she ribbed me with the now infamous line, "He had you at empathy!" She knows me too well.

Confirmation came after the 30-day placement meeting where the aide, director and teacher reported how Reid had taken to this place like a fish to water. The most pleasant surprise was that he had done a page of division problems after being shown and invited to practice. (Another distinction since the previous placement had removed him from the diploma track and all but tabled academics in favor of teaching compliance.)

As we left that meeting my husband elbowed me in the ribs, "ok now I wanna hug the guy!" (I resisted the irony of yapping back, "hands at your side; personal space.")

Top 10 Tuesday

Top 1o People in my Neighborhood

10. the mustachioed traffic director at Reid's school

9. Laura who works Sunday mornings at Panera

8. Kaye at the library who has authority to waive fines

7. Alex at Henry's Marketplace whose "got my back"

6. Debbie with the "oy i'm late" license plates who waves vigorously

5. you-know-the-stockboy at Trader Joe's

4. a greenskeeper for our association

3. Larry, the greeter on our church patio

2. another mustachioed carpool line attendant at Allie's school

1. Jona at the Solana Beach Rubio's

I have friends--some really good friends--but I don't necessarily see them on a daily basis. This list of more anonymous types are people who, in truth, I barely know. Yet they brighten my day immensely with their undeniable joie de vivre. As you can see, I don't even know some of their names. They are familiar faces though, "people in my neighborhood" who like Mary Tyler Moore, "can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile." Each of them hasmade my day more times than I can count with a simple wave, a significant smile, or a gutsy greeting.

It doesn't take much. I am sure the greenskeeper waves to many residents as they pass by but boy oh boy when he puts that spade down to wave to me through the car window, well...I feel like his favorite!

Although we've only exchanged a dozen words ever, "Oy I'm Late" (the plate on her maroon van) flags me down in the "2 BY 2" (my Eurovan plate) as if I were driving on the rims or my engine was aflame. By the time I realize she's just waving hello, I feel like the president in a motorcade. Whether I bump into her in the produce aisle or a swim lane, she never fails to ask about Reid by name. She doesn't know our last name, wouldn't imagine that I blog, but she cares and she seems to get the gestalt of us. We are a piece in her puzzle, and she sees the big picture.

Likewise, the clerk at our nearest Panera has our Sunday morning goodies practically bagged and ready before we get to the counter. She is a bright spot of familiarity and belonging in our week, always asking, "how was church?"

Reid is a definite vehicle for this kind of VIP treatment since we call his name outloud in public places more than the norm. It seems we are repeatedly prompting him back to wait in line, away from the sneezeguard, or over to place his order. Before you know it, we've attained infamy at many local haunts. His ritualistic ordering of the same thing every week also aids her memory. Just the same, she has a gift of hospitality and uses it liberally to love on us, if only for the short exchange.

I could go on about each one (and may in future posts). For now, let's just ask each other, whose day can we make?

The entire law is summed up in a single command: "Love your neighbor as yourself."Galatians 5:13-15

"Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man?" Luke 10:35-37

Top 10 Tuesday

Top 10 Antiquated Words to Baffle Your Children

10. pedal pushers

Preferring not to get her cuffs wet or greasy, mom's pedal pushers were perfect for beach combing as well as bike riding.

9. peckish

Pass me a cracker, I am feeling quite peckish having skipped lunch today.

8. shades

Those new shades are just the right shape for your face.

7. frock

I love that new frock on you!

6. get up

That get up is not as flattering as the frock you wore yesterday.

5. succotash

I think I'll whip up some succotash with this summer squash from the farmer's market.

4. co-ed

Here comes a nicely dressed co-ed who might point us to some hot spots on campus.

3. grocery

When the fridge is bare, we must head to the grocery.

2. rap

Wanna rap with me until dinner's ready?

1. cruise the strip

After church shall we cruise the strip or check the surf?

I find a weird sort of pleasure sprinkling these dated expressions into my daily jargon, especially around Allie and her friends, who react with mortified expressions of utter dismay. They look cross-eyed, first at each other then back at me. What is she saying? Where is she from? Is she always like this?

Their reactions amuse and encourage my inner prankster. It's the same sort of glee I get from Anne Taintor's stationery. And since it's summer and we homeschool no more, it's as close as we get to educational lately. History and language all rolled into one. If my sample sentences don't offer enough contextual meaning, feel free to cross reference on Wordnik or A Way with Words.

Am I the only mom who is simultaneously hip and out of it? I think not. Will the rest of you chime in with an antiquated word in comment box. I am running out of material.

Top 10 Tuesday

Top 10 Signs it is Time to Change Schools

10. you have to ask them to reinstate a homework binder

9. music and sensory integration are withheld for poor behavior

8. parents are not welcome to observe class

7. school officials do not reply to emails

6. you have a pit in your stomach sending them each morning

5. child's not invited to be in the talent show

4. IEP meetings extend beyond 5 hours

3. you need two hands to count the incident reports

2. student comes home with bruises that match the weave in his sweater

1. child asks, Is God keeping me safe in the belly of the whale, like Jonah?"

'Nuf said. I have much to report and am grappling with how to best do it. Suffice it to say, for now, that we were painfully aware of autism during April's Autism Awareness month. DId you notice my breadcrumbs peter out? July may just as well be New Life Month then, for all the growth God has brought out of the fire we experienced. I am glad to be back in the saddle, writing and looking for His hand at all times.

But now, this is what the LORD says—
he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. Isaiah 43:1-2

Top 10 Tuesday

Top 10 Reasons to Volunteer at KidsGames

10. You can act like a 6 year old for an entire week

9. You will receive more hugs and high fives than you ever have in your life!

8. Adults mentoring young adults…young adults mentoring students…students mentoring children

7. You get that really amazing FARMER’S TAN!

6. You get to participate in an experience where kids experience Jesus

5. You will get to see a high ranking church official take a pie in the face!

4. You get to participate in the inwardly strong vision of our church family expressed tangibly in the outward focused mission

3. It’s the only time each year dancing is REQUIRED in a Presbyterian Church!

2. You will be part of changing a life forever

1. Yet, another Free T Shirt!

Top 10 Tuesday

Top 10 Ways to Celebrate Autism Awareness Month this April

10. Post the Turning the Tide Prayer Thrust calendar on your refrigerator

9. Send it to the prayer team at your church to build their awareness

8. Rent Adam or Snow Cake

7. Tweet or post one of the verses on your Facebook

6. Light something up blue!

5. Read Rules by Cynthia Lord or The Boy Who Ate Stars by Kochka

4. Eat gluten free for a day, perhaps April 2 which is World Autism Awareness Day

3. Go on a prayer walk around a special education school in your town

2. Offer a playdate or an hour of respite to a family experiencing autism

1. Fast on April 23 with me

Top 10 Tuesday

Top 10 Things that Honestly Don't Even Phase Me

(and I wish were more widely accepted)

10. bacon on the dashboard

9. dog hair on the floor

8. open bathroom doors

7. weeds in the front yard

6. stained carpets and upholstery

5. broken electronics

4. strangers staring

3. poop in the tub

2. siren like screaming

1. incessant "Barney" trailers

Unfazed, undaunted, unflappable are modifiers I might like to see on my tombstone. This is not the same as being calloused, stoic, or insensitive, mind you. Au contraire, the unruffled mum remains calm in order to better love, care for and nurture her offspring. It is her tender heart that fuels the self-sacrifice. Her resolute peace instills confidence and security. She is intentionally mindful of higher learning and relational skills that are taking place amidst the seeming chaos.

Like the horses ideal for therapeutic riding programs, we have become "bombproof." Bombproof horses don't freak out when an impulsive rider screams, hits, kicks, or moves suddenly aboard their saddle. Loud shrill noises do not upset them. They stand as rock solid antonyms to the word "skittish." Some are born that way, others trained into it.

With another homeschooling family, we once toured the San Diego Police Department Mounted Police Force stables in Balboa Park. (This was a couple years after they assisted us in finding Reid there one Sunday.) In any case, the fascinating fieldtrip was led by a woman officer who rides and trains their horses. As a trainer she would throw bottles, therapy balls, and other random objects at the horses in order to prepare them for duty in a riot squad duty or at a St. Patrick's Day parade. Blowing various and sundry whistles at close range, she conditioned them for anything and everything. I could relate--to both the horse and the trainer!

I would like very much for "bombproof" to be added to a modern amplified version of the Proverbs 31 woman's list of life achievements.

She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. Proverbs 31: 25

Top 10 Tuesday

Top 1o Verses I Pray over My Kids

10. Thank you Lord that you have the power to turn every curse into blessing for those who love you. Deuteronomy 23:4-6

9. Thank you Lord that, you know the plans you have for ___, plans to prosper and not to harm ___, plans to give ____ hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:10-12

8. Thank you that You command your angels concerning _____ to guard them in all your ways; Psalm 91:10-12

7. For God did not give ______ a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. 2 Timothy 1:6-8

6. Lord, fill ________ with the fruit of the Spirit which is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control...keep ____ in step with the Spirit today. Galatians 5:21-23

5. The LORD your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in ____, He will quiet ____ with his love, He will rejoice over _____ with singing. Zephaniah 3:16-18

4. Surely goodness and love will follow ____ all the days of ___ life, and ___ will dwell in the house of the LORD forever. Psalm 23:5-6

3. Thank you Lord, that by Your wounds ______ is healed. 1 Peter 2:23-25

2. I pray that like Jesus, ______ will grow in wisdom, and stature, and in favor with God and men.

Luke 2:51-52

1. Thank you God that you go with _____ and will never leave them nor forsake them. Deuteronomy 31:5-7

Countless helps are widely available to guide us in how to pray for our kids. My standbys are a xeroxed bookmark of 31 Biblical Virtues to Pray for your Child by Bob Hostetler. Can't believe it is still available online since I can't even remember how I obtained it eons ago. It stays on my washing machine.

My Moms in Touch hand outs live at least nine lives and a $3.99 bargain bin copy of Praying God's Will for my Husband by Lee Roberts stays in arm's reach next to my driver's seat in the Eurovan. It's available customized for any family member you can imagine (praying God's Will for my son, my daughter, my grandmother, myself, my marriage). I was too cheap to buy all of them and just smart enough to modify the pronouns and fill in the blanks accordingly, making it a multi-use reference.

I clutch it like a Catholic with rosary beads whenever I have wait time at a carpool or doctor's office. It came in handy last Sunday during Allie's Certificate of Merit test. It is basically a topical list of verses organized alphabetically by keywords like Peace, Worry, Obedience and so on. Bible verses are listed in each category with a personalized fill in the blank (as above).

Praying Scripture back to God became a pattern for me after reading Becky Tirabassi's, "Let Prayer Change Your Life" and Beth Moore's "Praying God's Word." I appreciate the metaphor one of them used of a double stick of dynamite. The fact that we are praying to an Almighty God coupled with declaring the truth of His Word makes for explosive results.

Often enough I am tired or flustered to the point of not knowing what to pray. Rather than flounder around in circles or my own ruminating thoughts, I land on His. Then in addition to knowing he's heard my prayer for a particular circumstance or person, I'm also refreshed.

When I pray God's own words back to Him, I have the surety of asking something I can be sure He already intends. I don't have to wonder if it is just my misguided wishing, projecting or wanting. As you'd expect, certain sections of the book are doggeared and worn from handling. Thus, the Top 10 have emerged as ones I've memorized from overuse. They are my go-to claims, in the moments that I sense the struggle against rulers, powers, world forces of darkness, spiritual forces of wickedness.

Top 10 Tuesday

Top 1o Things I Miss about the Midwest

10. Tree farms

9. Winter wonderland

8. Incredible neighbors with no fences

7. Acreage

6. Pick ur own fruit

5. Family within driving distance

4. Pedestrian towns

3. Friendly, open people

2. The work ethic

1. The nip in the air

...polo field, gazebo, river, fall foliage, sweater weather, the list goes on of memories from my childhood in the Chagrin River Valley of suburban Cleveland, Ohio. It's not just Ohio though. A similar list could be inspired by Wisconsin where I went to college or the year we lived in suburban Chicago...climbing trees, small town parades, community pools, chatting over the driveway...

It happens 9 times out of ten when I meet someone I like. We connect at some core level. Inevitably, they are from Kansas, Minnesota, Michigan. All I can say is, "I knew it! Figures." The commonality defies description. We're like pieces of eggshell adhering to itself. Same dye lot.

Most recently, we were at the Belly Up, nicest venue west of the Rathskellar. A new colleague of Kat's at Lululemon Athletica, Chelsea, went to UW-Madison, my alma mater. That was coincidence enough. As we got talking about dorms we'd lived in and how campus has changed, guess what? She lived in a sorority house, which one? Alph Chi! No way! We only momentarily disrupted the peace with our shock and gleeful outburst! We were sisters! Alpha Chi's from the same campus having had neighboring rooms in the same house. Serendipity.

Top 10 Tuesday

Top 1o Time Management Skills

10. Commit to an all-in-one dry cleaner, pharmacy, bank, photo lab and grocer

9. Join a CSA for your weekly produce

8. Shadow Yubo for a day

7. Choose a signature color and make it your uniform

6. Book standing appointments for recurrent events

5. Handle mail (even e-mails) only once

4. Turn all electronics off on Sunday to reboot

3. Get an iPhone and sync it

2. Run yellow lights

1. Just say "no"

My mom requested this list but, I am quite sure I got all my driving technique and organizational skills from her. As high adrenal, achiever types we don't let much grass grow under our feet. Dust bunnies? They're another matter.

Top 10 Tuesday

Top 10 Reid-isms that Make Me Smile

10. Don't be shy.

9. Do you have a neck?

8. Nah,na,na,na,na,na,na, na, na, na, na, na, noh! (Staccato)

7. You better _______(fill in directive) or you'll be on the stairs

6. What is your favorite movie of all time?

5. Give me a hug, you big lug.

4. That deserves a reward.

3. We need a van-cation!

2. I'm ready for my movie pay-off

1. Have it all you want, sister!

In the privacy of our own home, they crack me up every time. Outside the home,

in the glaring public eye, a few may require explanation. How many times have I

wanted to respond with Mary Poppins' aplomb, "First of all, I would like to make

one thing quite clear. I never explain anything!"

Since all roads lead to (or from) movie talk, I ought to attribute #10 to Cassie in

Dragon Tales, # 1 to Travis in Old Yeller, #5 to Between the Lions,#4 to a teacher

at school and #7 to dear old mom and dad. Reid has appropriately transferred

them to multiple real life settings though, like when he shares a stick of gum with

Allie (#1), when cousin Will began to negotiate with his dad last summer on vacation

(#7), or when he clears the dishes after dinner (#4).

The boy has a way with words.

Top 10 Tuesday

Top 10 Best Words of Mothering Wisdom I've Received

10. Food works.

9. Keep a journal.

8. Designate a prayer "closet."

7. Listen to your gut.

6. Say "yes" as often as possible.

5.Study your children and you'll know them better than any specialist.

4. I hate to tell you this but, it gets worse.

3. Think of it as a marathon not a sprint.

2. When you want to get someone's attention, whisper.

1. It is more important where my kids are in 20,000 years than in 20.

I am not saying I actually heeded all of this good advice at every turn but, with the bit of hindsight I have, I would say these are the ten that still ring truest.

Each of them has a back story which I'll spare you in the interest of time. Or we could make a guessing game of it: which do you think came from our home program case manager shortly after diagnosis? Which from a fundamental Christian homeschooler? Which as advice for flying cross country alone with toddler twins? Which from another mother of twins when mine couldn't walk? Which from a perfume ad campaign?

Apply it as you may or laugh in acknowledgment.

Top 10 Tuesday

Top 10 Ways to Engage Reid over Break

1. Take a bike ride

2. Go for an ice cream treat

3. Have talk time

4. Play flashlight tag

5. Play charades

6. Decorate the Christmas Tree

7. Do a Trampoline Show

8. Cook together - cookies, pancakes, roasted potatoes; let Reid choose

9. Play a board game

10. Watch his favorite program together then your favorite program together

I'll confess to not writing this myself. My mom did, anticipating her arrival in our home for Christmas. It means the world to me--and can lift me out of the deepest despair--that she puts her love for Reid into action. She values his role in family enough to invest the extra time, patience, and effort it takes to engage him in something other than tv viewing--the ultimate holiday cop out.

I can totally identify with the dread that came through in several comments to "Do Tell" a couple weeks ago. There is nothing restful about having to recreate the structure of his school day. If we slack off, we pay.

My mom also loves me and shows it with acts of service that relieve the burden of feeling like I have the kid "only a mother can love" at times. Especially times of increased expectations for hostessing and cooking and relaxing--all of which I enjoy--but have to measure against the pang in my gut that comes from neglecting my child's extensive needs and "program." Have you ever felt like a one-armed paper hanger...who's out of glue? I'm not saying it's impossible. I'm just saying he'll need help!

And because she's also an achiever, these came in a subsequent email:

11. Plan a Talent Show in which EVERYONE must participate.

12. Is the Country Club swim pool open? Hmmm.

Top 10 Tuesday

Top 10 Reasons We Left the Midwest

(the second time, 1998)

10. we'd been to San Diego

9. freezing winters

8. humid summers

7. fresh food and wine

6. progressive thinking

5. outdoor recreational options year round

4. some job opportunities are just too good to refuse

3. happy, employed husbands make for happy, stay at home moms

2. mittens, hats, and snowpants present major sensory issues

1. no surf

I love Facebook! It thrills me to reconnect with high school friends and college sorority sisters and rekindle memories at odd times of day. This one's for you Laura Battles!

For those who don't know, Jim and I both grew up in the snow belt of the Midwest, Ohio; the beautiful, more-New England-than-New England, culturally sophisticated, East Coast suburbs of Cleveland, to be specific. I'm totally serious. If you've been to Chagrin Falls, you know what I mean. If you haven't, then you have no room to talk. You must see it yourself, preferably in fall foliage.

In any case, having been there done that, we decided over a champagne toast to move to New York City right after our honeymoon. It was grand. The primary motivation for that first departure from the heartland was adventure.

A couple rungs farther up the corporate ladder, we found ourselves driving cross country to wild and crazy California. I held a stereotypical expectation that was fuzzy and not altogether flattering. Nonetheless, what's not to like?

Fast Forward 7 years. With 2 year old twins, Jim said "yes" to another offer that was too-good-to-be-true. I was crooning, "Chicago, Chicago...it's my kinda town" for weeks anticipating the joy of bringing up our children with the same Midwestern values and four seasons that we'd known. We had an idyllic house with a wrap around porch, the best climbing tree on the block, exceptional neighbors and no fences! It was grand, in a totally different way.

But, corporate America is corporate America, and relocation packages were being handed out liberally. One frostbitten January night I was sewing curtains in the midnight oil. Jim came in the door and said as tenderly as ever, "You might not want to buy any more fabric." That October, a year to the day, we left the Midwest again for Silicon Valley.

This list reflects what we've come to love about California. It is an abridged version compared to what the Travel and Tourism Commission recently garnered from Jim.

Come visit. There is always room at our inn.

Top 10 Tuesday

Top 10 Trampoline Tricks

10. daffy

9. can can

8. pike

7. cannonball

6. emergency stop

5. cross crawl

4. running elmo

3. 480

2. dance dance revolution Kat style

1. deadman drop

Call it what you will: brainwork, proprioception, occupational threapy, sensory integration, pure fun! We are so glad we bought this used trampoline off Craig's list for a pittance. Having gone through 3 or 4 of the small personal ones, we now wonder how we lived without this large family-size one. (Well, I guess we're all growing in size.)

Currently, it is required before homework, before a video, before dinner, pretty much before anything. Something about the way Kat calls them, "knee drop: GO!" makes the tricks even more compelling. Novelty and routine in perfect balance, like peanut btter and chocolate in a Reese's.