Sister Stud

The courteous Tuff Shed foreman arrived to correct two issues outstanding from our recently installed 10 x 12 room. Jim had left me to supervise--but of course I was the one who had missed them during the original install. It's one thing to be home all day; it's quite another to verify accuracy and craftsmanship.Glancing at his work order, the words "sister stud" caught my eye. "You're re-doing the floor right? ..and fixing the beam that's split?" What does that mean?

He explained, "oh yeah, that's what it's called. We sister the broken ceiling beam by laying a stronger one alongside it."

Epiphany! That's what God did for Reid in Allie. She happened to be home from school that day nursing cold symptoms. I ran upstairs, "Allie, you're not gonna believe this. You are a sister stud!" "Seriously, that's what it's called. Google it." She did and we read together from homerenovations.com:

When you've opened up a wall to make repairs, you may encounter a bad wall stud. Don't panic; this is par for the course in remodeling. Unless absolutely necessary, you don't want to rip out the entire stud. Doing so may cause problems with surrounding struct

ural elements. Instead, sister it.

Sistering is the process of repairing a deteriorated stud by nailing a "like" piece of material next to it.

By the time I got back out to watch how they do it, it was done. I could no longer see the blemish in the beam. Were it not for the paint, I would not have known which beam had been split. And neither will you in these pictures.

I confess in my own spiritual rebellion when they were 2 (pre-diagnosis), I complained to a mom's group how Reid would've been much better off as an only child. He was so much happier alone, bothered by noise, and inflexible. Sound familiar?

Forgive me, Lord for thinking I could ever know better than you. Praise Him that He does and also tolerates all my grumbling knowing full well what I see now. Allie has been critical to Reid's development in every way. We are just beginning to see how she holds the key to his healing and restoration too.

I wouldn't trade Tuff Shed's mistake for anything now. What a visual reminder it is of God's wisdom in making Reid a twin. His sister stud comes alongside strengthens, supports, makes good as new. God intended them to be a pair. He is working out a unique purpose in both of them through each other.

Where would he be without her? Where would she be without him?

Say to wisdom, “You are my sister,” and call understanding your nearest kin Proverbs 7:4

Not many of you have met me face-to-face, but that doesn't make any difference. Know that I'm on your side, right alongside you. You're not in this alone. Colossians 2:1-3

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: Ecclesiastes 4:8-10

Eyes on the Shepherd

I am not very athletic. I am however, competitive.

One Sunday last spring Allie and I made our way to her Certificate of Merit music test on San Diego State's campus. Not sure of our actual destination, we followed printed directions through a maze of parking complexes. The sight of other parent/child groupings with black music cases assured us we were on the right track.

We parked feeling like tourists in a small town who'd found the locals' only breakfast haunt. It may as well have been Chinatown as we joined the throng, who appeared to know where they were going. It was then that my quiet, prophetic little Allie, uttered another of her truths and birthed the now familial phrase, "Mom, we're "keepin' up with the Asians!"

We guffawed as we realized the truth of it and the multiple meanings. She attends an academically rigorous high school which is ethnically diverse. Their class trip is to China which heightens our awareness and discussions of shifts in world power.

The reality resonates as flute is her primary extracurricular pursuit. Every Saturday in order to participate in both Youth Symphony and a chamber quartet, we must hightail it across town in 15 minutes flat. We aren't the only ones. A classmate of Allie's and her sweet dad, Yubo, do the same.

He is genuinely kind, having offered to carpool, get lunch or anything to be helpful. I don't think he is competitive but as mentioned, I am. I also crave efficiency. (I have a crush on the motion engineer, father of 12, Frank Gilbreth, from Cheaper by the Dozen, the book). And I'm motivated by challenge. Tell me I can't do something and I surely will.

So a tight transition like this thrills me all the more because it coincides with meal time and requires navigational prowess. There lies a freeway between the symphony rehearsal space and the quartet location. First time I drove it, without googlemaps or a GPS, I got all turned around trying to find a surface street that crossed over the 805. We were several minutes late owing to my lack of preparation.

The next week, after discussion with Yubo, I played it safe and took a straight shot to University Avenue then a right on 36th which dead ends into this woman's rental studio. We were on time. What befuddled me is how Yubo is always there before me parked on the shady side of the street, practically with his feet up on the dash, smokin' a stogie, while I am breaking out in a full sweat secretly racing to keep up with him.

This past Saturday, with a tuna sandwich and Snapple to go, I got the Eurovan and pulled into the loading zone a leisurely 15 minutes ahead of dismissal time, and waited. I was relaxed, surveyed a used book sale on the lawn, and got back behind the wheel way before Allie emerged. On her heels, I recognized Yubo and his daughter. We waved a friendly hello. And within seconds, it struck me. He was on foot.

We could beat him today! He wasn't even in a vehicle. He'd neglected the advice he'd given me about pulling into the loading area in advance then circling out of the unloading fray. He was trekking across the great lawn, through full lots at the Museum of Natural History and beyond to some distant parking spot.

"Allie, get in quick! Keeping up with the Asians! Let's go, look alive, hustle, girlfriend."

"Ok. I'm in. Go ahead, GO, mom, go."

"Yubo, IT is on!"

We smoothly but swiftly made the 360 and were out on the open road headed into thru traffic. Allie had them in sight, still walking. Maybe he forgot where he'd parked? (doubtful) My adrenaline was pumping; we had to be a full 5 minutes ahead of him.

This was the day! I smugly cruised through the green lights, rights on red, mindful of not gunning it or otherwise setting a bad example for my near-driving-age daughter. Simultaneously, I was aware of modeling for her that assertiveness and ambition are every bit as much her claim as anyone's and that being first was within reach! We can do this thing. You can do anything you set your mind to...(check that theology before you repeat it)

I confidently turned the last corner preparing to park in front of Dr. K's studio and greet the rest of the quartet when they arrived. What to my wondering eyes did appear...YUBO!

Parked. In the shady spot. Cool, calm, collected. Talk about smug?!* How did he do that?!?

Impossible! The man has a short cut he's not sharing, or batwings on the Highlander, or something. I'm sure he didn't pass me. Allie and I had a good laugh as I feigned the disdain of a poor loser. She suggested it was blog material because of its hilarity. Yeah, but it's a little off topic, I thought. Until the spiritual significance and a pattern dawned on me this morning.

My 25 year old niece, who we all love, has moved in with us and is athletic (but not competitive). She is a team player par excellence and maximizer of others. So it is, that I am getting what I consider an extreme amount of exercise by virtue of spending quality time with her. Today we headed for our ocean front exercise loop which includes 8 flights of stairs. She runs. I walk.

Walking by myself has its benefits. I can sort through my thoughts rather than chatter and usually end up hearing something from the Lord especially when in eyeshot of His glorious ocean. The majesty of its expanse gives me pause and triggers a rush of verses and songs. Since I was alone, I could softly sing the Hallelujah... refrain that the Spirit brought to mind...your love makes me sing...your love is amazing...

Timing it so we'd end up at the car around the same time, I cut into the stairs a couple flights short of the entire loop. Descending, I caught myself scoping where Kathryn was from the top of each flight not just to synchronize, but to see if she was gaining on me!

I was not doing too bad for a 45 year old, non-athlete. Wait! What's wrong with me. You don't have to be first at everything. Then the tie-in came to me. A lesson from years back that I obviously haven't fully internalized. Am I so busy watching the other sheep that I've taken my eyes off the Shepherd?

Sadly, even within the disability world, there is competition and comparison that deters us from seeing who Jesus is and what God has just for us. We compare skills, deficits, levels of functioning, meds, therapies, and effectiveness. We compare siblings, expectations, and outcomes. To a degree this is discernment but much of it is distracting and even idolatrous.

I am going back to re-read Phillip Keller's classic, A Shepherd Looks at Psalm 23.

"To whom will you compare me? Or who is my equal?" says the Holy One. Isaiah 40:24-26

Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, Galatians 6:3-5

As long as Moses held up his hands, the Israelites were winning, but whenever he lowered his hands, the Amalekites were winning. Exodus 17:10-12

I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. Philippians 3:13-15

Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ. Galatians 1:9-11

Transformational Trials

I never thought anything would trump autism in terms of the orbit of helplessness and wearying stress it can launch. I was wrong.

Learning Allie was quarantined in a Chinese hospital for swine flu did. I physically shook with tremors the first night after getting up off the floor in immediate, desperate prayer. As we gained information, the conjured up images in our minds were replaced with facts about her welfare. Foreign, yes. Scary, yes. Uncomfortable, at times. Dangerous, no.

You notice I haven't written in awhile. I am an internal processor so, apart from dispatching a mighty prayer team, I cocooned myself until light was visible. At a certain point, I became aware of how many blessings were coming as direct result of this trial. I considered starting a whole new blog to itemize them!

Lo and behold, she is home and internally processing herself--the numerous stretching experiences, cultural awareness, faith building, and fellowship that went down. For the most part, I will let it be her story since she is well able to tell it. And yet, I can't pass up passing on a few proven-once-again spiritual principles:

1. God is able to do immeasurably more than we ask for or imagine.

We sent Allie on this 9th grade class trip to broaden her world view, benefit from full immersion in a foreign culture, and expand her personal threshold of independence. Parents of last year's travelers said the China trip changed their kids. We got way more bang for our buck!


2. "When the praises go up, His glory comes down" (to quote a rockin' song by Karen Wheaton).

People from Yichang to Pittsburgh to Solana Beach were praying for these kids and their parents at all hours of the day and night. Intercession opens the floodgates for widespread blessing. Kids bonded with teachers; unlikely life-long relationships among peers are cemented; moms met back home for group hugs; marriages are being strengthened; international contacts are multiplying; nurses named Angel appeared!


3. Trials transform us.

John Knight writes a meaty blog covering disability ministry at Bethlehem Baptist Church in Minneapolis as well as applying Biblical truth on the Sovereignty of God to issues he encounters firsthand as a father. Wouldn't you know, he posted this today--the first day I have signed into blogger.com in 19 days.

A peculiar transformation happens as the focus shifts from agonizing about the experience of a multiform hardship that is thought to await them to the actual experience of living with this particular human being and the multiform way in which they find themselves managing and growing in the process of facing difficulties as they actual (sic) encounter them. Theology, Disability and the New Genetics, p. 194 by Bernd Wannenwetsch

We don't often get to choose the trials which transform us. For some, it will be autism, for others divorce, quarantine, cancer, loss of limb, loss of job, or lost on a hiking trail. Whatever the challenge, all we can choose is how we respond. The degree to which we embrace it as God's agent for transformation in us, is the degree to which we grow spiritually.

Praise GOD! Allie is home, safe and sound, bigger and better, for the trial she endured, as are we. I am grateful for the joy set before us, that it flows not just from autism in our family but also from international travel and fellowship with so many faithful friends.


Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Hebrews 12:1-3


Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. Romans 5:3


My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. Psalm 139:13-16

Attitude Adjustment

"Erasing Autism," is the title of the article in Newsweek. The illustration jars my spirit. It would be wrong to cut Reid out of our family portrait. The ultimate exclusion. Equally wrong to eliminate him from the church body or society at large. Kudos to Ari Ne'eman for having the courage to stand up in Washington and defend neurodiversity.

Since they were born, I have felt my utmost purpose as a mother is to assure both my kids that their lives are on purpose and their position in our family is secure. Adoption has heightened that goal in my mind as much as (or more than) autism.

This article comes on the heels of NPR, Time and GQ reviews of Karl Taro Greenfield's book, Boy Alone: A Brother's Memoir, about his brother Noah who is now, in fact, a man alone with aging parents and a brother who will not necessarily be his keeper. While I admire Greenfield's honesty and empathize with his circumstance, I am saddened by the bitterness, resentment and cruelty in his voice. As a mom, I hope to model and instill values that will dictate a different prerogative in my daughter's life as a sibling.

This double assault to my sensibility is a stark contrast to where my mind dwells. It reminds me of a huge victory my daughter scored over the Enemy last summer when she proclaimed God's sovereignty in designing our family.

Arguably, Allie has withstood the most potentially damaging impact of Reid's autism. The demands of his behavior and intervention could certainly be breeding grounds for resentment, perceived neglect, and anger. She would have every earthly "right" to object and could have the most to gain by erasing Reid from the proverbial family album. Oddly, ironically, fortunately, wisely, she does not desire that. Like Ari Ne'eman, the Aspie in the Newsweek article, she is close enough to the reality to be an informed expert witness. She also has absorbed enough of God's truth from the Bible that it is the plumb line for her attitude toward her brother.

Last summer, we found a winning solution to the recurrent and age-old question of how to vacation with extended family. My generous, peace-loving mother rented us our very own place a mile or so away from her vacation home. In her words, "it was the best visit we'd had in 14 years." Not being under the same roof turned out to be a key to enjoying a week together. There was no comparison between her model home "Moor the Merrier" and our "Duck Inn" on the Isle of Nantucket. To each his own. Truth be told, we preferred the sunken sandy threshold and indestructible nature of the Duck to her pristine white slipcovers and fine bone china collector appointments. Can you say, damage control?

We enjoyed lots of different pairings of cousins and aunts without the tension of sharing bathrooms and sleep patterns. My mom claimed one night to herself with Allie--an intentional effort to compensate. Woohoo! Fancy schmancy time alone with grandma to shop in Nantucket town and sleep at the big house under 500 thread count cotton sheets. Score! Reid stayed behind with us in the beater, low-rent, rental shack we'd pragmatically chosen. There was a wistfulness to their departure, recalling what might have been, reckoning what is "normal" and even wishing life were different. We all felt it.

That night, as Allie scampered off excitedly for their girls night out, she remembered she had not said goodbye to Reid. She asked my mom if she could go back in to do so.

My faithful mother has experienced her own loss in regard to Reid's autism and our family's reality. When Allie rejoined her in the car she couldn't help but notice, "Oh, Allie, you really love Reid don't you." Allie said, "Oh, yes I do. He has come so far. I used to wish Reid didn't have autism but now I am glad he does because I have learned so much. I am much more patient than I would be otherwise and life would have been so boring. I wouldn't be who I am if it weren't for Reid." Further discussion about the fruits of the Holy Spirit ensued. Without any hesitation, my meek, sage, spirit-filled Allie, had edified the moment and "taken her thoughts captive and made them obedient to Christ." 2 Corinthians 5:3-5

We learn from children. I learn from Allie. According to the Bible, the Kingdom of God belongs to such as them. Allie's perspective even on adult issues, is an example to us. If the ultimate spiritual rebellion is to think we can make decisions that belong to God alone, then the converse is what I'll strive for instead. The ultimate spiritual obedience is to accept from the hand of God all that He allows in our lives.


Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus Philippians 2:4-6


For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Hebrews 4:11-13



"For who has known the mind of the Lord that he may instruct him?" But we have the mind of Christ. 1 Corinthians 2:15-16