FPC (Flexible, Patient, Calm)

"How flexible are you?" the hotel reservations clerk inquired of me.

"Oh, you have no idea! I am sooo flexible. I'm about the most flexible person on the face of the earth," I boasted. "But, you mean how flexible am I on the arrival date, don't you?"

The poor guy on the other end of my phone. He did not know what a buzz word he'd just sounded.

Of all the code words we amassed in the past five months that Kathryn lived with us, the most oft quoted was: "FPC." Short for "Flexible, Patient, Calm," this is the internal memo we announce as needed in response to (or anticipation of) escalating anxiety, tension, difficult circumstances, mounting chaos and just high spirits. She had a way of recognizing and naming what has become second nature to us.

Akin to the British, "Keep Calm and Carry On," our shorter version builds solidarity, keeps us united to make the most of any circumstance. It's at once a claim of credit deserved if you've kept your cool, a reminder to repeat that directive without any affect, and a call to action to take the high road. It's become a household policy and an injection of comic relief.

Especially when Jim says it. For 90% of the time he botches it up--first by accident, now on purpose. "Flexible, patient, and mild" was one permutation he spewed out mockingly. Over Thanksgiving, he'd verbally pat himself on the back with a double tap and it became "ohoh! who's flexible, patient and bountiful?" loud enough for all to hear.

The true test of learning something is being able to teach it. So it is cause for celebration when I hear my own lessons turned back on me by my kids. The other day we left Golden Spoon (the originator of the California frozen yogurt craze). I have frequent cravings for their pistachio flavor which rotates sporadically into the standard offerings. Predictably, that day they did NOT have pistachio. As we left, Reid sweetly pointed out, "Mom you were flexible." Yes, indeed I was.

Patience is a fruit of the Spirit. Jesus was meek (which could be a synonym for mild). Anybody got a verse for flexible?

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Romans 12:11-13

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Ephesians 4:1-3

But the meek will inherit the land and enjoy great peace. Psalm 37:10-12

Kick me!

Who doesn't need a kick in the pants every once in awhile? I got mine--affectionately--from Kelly Langston, my Facebook friend, fellow blogger and author of Autism's Hidden Blessings.

Here is her Authenticity Challenge: to find 12 Christian bloggers who will commit to get real and post everyday from January 25th to February 8th about how your faith helped you deal with a situation. Yikes! that's 2 weeks; I thought it was one when I enthusiastically replied, "I'm in!"

I need Kelly to move next door, call to me from over the hedge, "get writing you sluggard," and reward me with coffee cake when I click "publish post."

Today's an easy one, for yesterday Reid threw my iPhone onto our hard, unforgiving, slate floor when I held firm to my "no, you may not have it now."

If you've been reading long, you know I am practiced at self-control, anger management, and taking deep breaths. Sometimes I snap, but this time, I benefitted from the years of preparation. Having witnessed a shocking number of broken electronics, remotes, speakers, dvd players, ipods, even laptops in the past, made it relatively easy to remain calm. Practice makes perfect.

In the heat of any crisis, if I can call up a verse, glimpse a lesson God might be teaching me, catch an illustration to blog about alter, or fathom some eternal purpose to it, then I am willing to endure it. The more I am able to do this, the sooner I can almost embrace it as character building. For in short order, the Bible promises we and all our stuff will return to dust. Our spirits will be reunited with the Creator for eternity as He originally intended. So, this is all just one short, sometimes miserable, sometimes fun, camping trip anyway.

The verse that coursed through my veins as I surveyed the broken glass and screen gone white was, "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. Matthew 6:19-21

So, silently, sooo silently, I thank God for that truth. In doing so, I was reminded that my relationship with Reid is more valuable than any gadget. The perseverance and self-control I develop are what God cares about. The opportunities to model this and teach Reid respect for property far outweigh the actual property itself. Reid is the treasure who'll be with me in heaven. No thief can steal the character or hope that we amass on this journey through autism.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:1-4

"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." Romans 5: 3-5

To be authentic, I will say it put a damper on the day. We missed our usual morning church and trudged along until deciding we needed to get our praise on at the last ditch 6:45 PM alternative. Not knowing if the phone was repairable or what it would cost, placed us on hold as much as when the electricity had gone out a couple nights before. Worship plugged us back into the power source. It is like magic and clockwork every time I need an attitude adjustment.

The LORD is my strength and my shield;
my heart trusts in him, and I am helped.
My heart leaps for joy
and I will give thanks to him in song. Psalm 28:6-8

So that you can experience some of the character developing patience of which I speak, (and because the bus is about to arrive) (and because I need to post again tomorrow) I will pause it there...

It Happens Bit by Bit

Jim and I had a pretty traditional wedding with one exception. In addition to Scripture readings, we had one of my college advisors read an excerpt--about "becoming real"--from The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams. For whatever reason, I first read this book as a college student, not as a child. At that age, Jim and I prided ourselves on being transparent, vulnerable, honest, real. He liked me best without make up; I knew he was no poser.

I read the book to our kids when they were little and choked up at the new significance of this allegorical tale. It is a parable that goes way beyond the ostensibly sentimental story. It offers numerous applications on acceptance, motherhood, the power of love, and unconditional relationship. So many that another book, The Velveteen Principles, has been written by Toni Raiten-D'Antonio to analyze and put it into adult terminology.


Listen between the lines to Meryl Streep's sensitive reading of it with music by George Winston. When read with integrity, life experience, and heartfelt belief it still moves me.



The Lord has done a great deal of humbling in both Jim and I since 1986. We thought we were "real" then, let me tell you, it's all relative. Some wear and tear comes from the inevitable passage of time, relocating frequently, and becoming parents. Even more comes from being the responsible party for someone who is impulsive, inappropriate, embarrassing and at the same time, naive, well-intentioned and so precious to us. Whether you have a "spirited child," a "challenging child," a "special needs child," an "out-of-sync child," or an "indigo child," it is a high maintenance job! We are like EMT's or firemen who have acclimated to crisis mode. We become light sleepers, quick thinkers, fast actors, and smooth operators. No matter what happens we remain calm, consider all possible outcomes, and drive carefully but quickly with our sirens blaring.

I think the Biblical word for "real" would be sanctified. If the velveteen rabbit was saved by the boy from being left outside all night, we are saved by God and redeemed from the pit. Then bit by bit, loving and being loved to tatters, progressive sanctification happens. As we die to sin and live for Christ, we become more like Him. It is not about our salvation; it’s about how we live after we’ve been saved.

“Does it hurt?" “Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. You bet. People laugh. People point. People blame. You get hit. You get bit. You are tired. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.” “Does it happen all at once,” he asked, “or bit by bit?” He will be fine. We can do this. I know he'll get better. Why me? What do I do? I can't do this. What will the future bring?

“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But those things don’t matter at all, because once you are real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

The skin horse shares, "It was the boy's uncle who made me real." For us, it is Jesus who makes us real. Real enough to run wild as march hares into eternity, liberated from sin and the sawdust of our fleshly existence here. It is He who understands when others don't and loved us enough to shed his own blood in our place. We can't be ugly anymore. We are a new creation. God sees us through the blood of Christ and in His perfection. No longer shabby sinners but beautiful, perfected, sanctified, clean as the driven snow, pure like the lamb of God. Keep it real, friends.



Your new life, which is your real life—even though invisible to spectators—is with Christ in God. He is your life. When Christ (your real life, remember) shows up again on this earth, you'll show up, too—the real you, the glorious you. Colossians 3:2-4


But we know that when he appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is. Everyone who has this hope in him purifies himself, just as he is pure. 1 John 3:2-3


God, who got you started in this spiritual adventure, shares with us the life of his Son and our Master Jesus. He will never give up on you. Never forget that.
1 Corinthians 1:9 The Message

Teaching the Mundane

I am preparing today to meet with one of the pastor's at our church to prepare him to prepare Reid for his upcoming baptism.  In addition to making sure Reid understands the profoundly abstract concepts of salvation and eternal life, I have notes to be sure we cover the more mundane logistics like keeping the bathing suit on afterwards.  Both are important!  Reid has heard and sung about Jesus washing away his sins since he was in the cradle.  After lots of repetition, I think he has internalized those as reality.  Less familiar will be the actual baptism ritual.  Never before has someone walked him out into the ocean, held his arms on either side, and dunked him backwards three times. I will assume nothing and explain everything. It has become second nature to me to do what others might call "explaining the obvious."  In actual fact, social cues and customs are not learned by osmosis and are definitely not obvious to those on the autism spectrum.

Isaac Gitchel wrote this instruction 

manual on How to Order Fast

 Food posted recently on his dad's blog, Perseveration.org. It is a highly useful document that I plan to share with my son before our next visit to In 'n Out.  I know I make lots of modifications--some conscious and some unconscious--to enable a relatively smooth family life.  Through conditional response over the years, I now insist on drive thru windows at banks as well as at restaurants.  Am I alone in my willingness to wait as long as it takes (albeit in the car with a pager) for the socially acceptable containment of a booth rather than a table?  We have our little tricks, don't we?:)  

Eventually though, I want Reid to make his own accommodations and self-advocate for his needs. Isaac's post makes that easier. Isaac, will you write a book of similar instructions? It would be a great manual for teens on the spectrum, for community living programs at schools, and a tool for developing awareness. You could sell it through The Gray Center. They have a lot of great resources but nothing as specific as you have written.  Thank you.

It also gives family members an articulate glimpse into how much extra work is required of those on the spectrum to accomplish everyday tasks which others may think of as "no brainers."  Our kids are making constant daily adaptations to function on this planet.  Articles like Isaac's remind me why I am happy to show a little extra patience, compassion and mercy whenever it is needed.  Information is power.  Now that you know, who can you grace with an extra dose of understanding?

"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'  Matthew 25:40

"Counsel and sound judgment are mine; I have understanding and power." Proverbs 8:14

photo credit: fkrohn.com, artspoint.com